Cooper's funniest one-liners

12 April 2012

Fez askew, fumbling and bumbling as he messed up his magic tricks, he made you laugh just by looking at him - then sent you into hysterics with his one-liners. Now, 20 years after his death, the genius of Tommy Cooper has been recognised with a poll naming him the funniest British comedian of all time. Here's some of his funniest one-liners...

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
I got on a train the other day and sat next to a young woman reading a book called Sex Statistics. 'Any good?' I asked. 'Fascinating. American Indians have the widest manhood and Polish men the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.' 'Hi', I replied, 'I'm Tonto Polanski.'
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and saod: 'Who's speaking, please?' And a voice said: 'You are.'
I rang up a local building firm, I said: 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said: 'I'm not stopping you.'
I went to the dentist. He said: 'Say aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says: 'Can you give me a lift?' I said: 'Sure, you look great, world's your oyster, go for it.'

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