Welcome to London Larks, a selection of lighter Evening Standard stories brought to you every Friday.
The missing manbag
Chris Eubank Dave BenettIt was an unfortunate week for Chris Eubank, who, much to his own disbelief, had his “manbag” swiped outside a bank in Edgware Road.
“He couldn’t have known who I was because he wouldn’t have tried it,” said Eubank. “I’m hoping if the thief shows the documents to his friends and they recognise my name, he’ll give the manbag back.”
Though upset about the missing bag – a discontinued Louis Vuitton – Eubank was actually more devastated to have lost its most important contents – a quarter of a bar of Waitrose Belgian chocolate with hazelnuts.
“That’s what’s really messed up my day” said the former boxer, in an admission most of us can probably relate to.
“It’s been in there for six days just ready to eat. I like it at that temperature and they took it.”
The weakest Lynx
In other food news, supermarkets hit by the supply crisis have developed innovative new ways to stock shelves.
One Asda branch in Gloucestershire filled an “entire aisle with Lynx Africa deodorant.”
A Co-op in Hertfordshire, meanwhile, crammed their empty fridges full of “nothing but HP Sauce and Salad Cream,” while another swapped “fresh legumes” for huge multipacks of chocolate.
Still, nothing says Christmas dinner like a purple Celebration with a bit of HP sauce dribbled on top. And at least we’ll all smell nice in the meantime.
Bra-vo, Gemma
Gemma Collins with Salt Bae Gemma Collins / InstagramIn the latest instalment of the Gemma Collins/Salt Bae saga (see last week’s London Larks for more details), Collins also took the unusual step of donating four bags of bras after feeling guilty about her £1,450 steak bill.
“It really started playing on my mind,” said the TOWIE star, “so I instantly went and I started to clear out every single bra that I owned.” (Naturally.)
“Literally, I sent four bags of really nice bras to the charity. So I feel like I’ve done my thing.”
Keir’s crash course
Sir Keir Starmer crashed a lorry this week.
The Labour leader was visiting Mantra Learning, an HGV training facility on Oldham, before deciding to leap behind the wheel and show Boris how lorries should be handled.
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Sadly, though, the PR moment didn’t quite go to plan. “Go left,” says the instructor in the video, which Starmer does not do, instead crashing into a pile of rocks on the edge of the car park.
“Very good,” he inexplicably responds, to which the instructor says: “You would have failed your test.”
“Ok. Very good,” Starmer repeats ominously. “Very good.”
‘It’s the G forces!’
Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket space passengers including William Shatner, second left (LM Otero/PA)APIn other transport news, William Shatner, AKA Captain Kirk, was launched into space on Wednesday in Jess Bezos’s moderately priced Blue Origin rocket.
Returning to earth after “the most profound experience” of his life, Shatner attempted to explain the journey to Bezos. The slightly surreal interaction, which began with the actor speaking eloquently about life and death, slowly morphed into, well, this:
Shatner: “You’re in death.” Bezos: “This is life.”
Bezos: “Doesn’t capture it.” Shatner: “Doesn’t capture it.”
Bezos: “It’s the G forces!” Shatner: “It’s the G forces.”
Soon after which Bezos cut Shatner off completely to spray a bottle of champagne over a crowd of nearby women. But it was always going to be an odd day, after all. We blame the G forces.