Up all night: I orchestrate a rearguard action

I'm running late for the Shoreditch Unbound book launch, tottering in my heels and trying to pull a dominatrix costume further over my bum.

I arrive, cheeks flushed, and the woman on the door seems to wake up at the sight of my costume. Then she smiles. "Oh, you're the spanking girl!" she says, stepping aside to let me in.

It's true. Tonight I am here to spank. I have been hired by a creative young lady called Bert, who runs a business making spanking implements called "bottom blushers" - very beautiful leather representations of a forearm and hand, decorated with painted fingernails and tattoos. She wants me to host a little interactive sideshow at a spanking post at which members of the party can be stung with my thwack.

Little blonde Bert hands me a bottom blusher.

Squeezing through all the people gorging on salt beef bagels, I head for the spanking post, which is lit prettily with circus bulbs. My fellow host Charlie is there in a "God Spank the Queen" T-shirt and announces our sideshow while I pose with the bottom blusher, ready to fall upon the first quivering behind that presents.

Soon we have quite a few volunteers, including my close friend Octavia, but Charlie chooses a keen man named Ollie. Ollie's friends cavort with glee as he puts his hands on the bar of the spanking post and bends over.

Charlie now educates the audience, using his bottom blusher as a pointer: "You see how he has presented his toosh? Many things are wrong here. He needs to arch his back, not lower it, and evenly distribute his weight between his feet."

Ollie obeys.

Next I show the audience the different spanks you can deliver with the bottom blusher. The first, the "wet fish", is the softest, and I slap from side to side. The second is a little spikier, called the "overhead", where I hold the leather arm above my head and bring it down firmly on the cheeks. Next is the "discus". I spin round and round and let out the spank with a zing, then Ollie looks at me with mock terror in his eyes as I walk back for a run-up spank. Before I'm able to run up, he pulls down his trousers and reveals the words "BAD ASS" tattooed over his cheeks, so I give him a real badass wallop.

After exhausting myself and pleasuring others, I decide to chat to Octavia, who is with her date, Brian. He's caressing her bum with a bottom blusher and they look truly sweet together until suddenly a big hand snatches the spanker out of Brian's fist and smacks him around the face. It is Octavia's f-buddy, Luke, who is jealous that she has a new boyfriend.

Away from the commotion, Bert has created a Locomotion Train with party guests in a line all spanking the person in front.

I think the bottom blusher is a hit worth having.