On your marks, get set, disconnect

We all know how to operate in this, the 21st century: we click, we scroll, we swipe, forever subjugating the real world to the virtual. Capital dwellers, in particular, occupy a hi-tech utopia in which no situation is unfakeable or inescapable, no tedium is to be endured. Favourite foods can be conjured, brave new worlds encountered, our very sexual partners selected, all at the flourish of a fingertip.

Christmas, however, presents the terrible exception to this rule. Yule forces even the most devoted click-to-live person out of their hi-tech shell and into all-too-real Real Life. Trigger warning: this may present some challenges. What’s a millennial to do? The answer: take advice from a Gen X-er, for whom Real Life was the only show in town.

Talking

It’s a bit like… audiobooks, only nobody’s done an edit.

You listen to stuff — it’s kind of your thing — only nobody warned you quite how Zen Uncle Tony’s rendition of his childhood would be after a couple of Malibu and Cokes. Tragically, the old codger doesn’t feature a fast-forward function. Don’t feel you have to pay attention — he won’t.

Eating

It’s a bit like… instagramming your meal, only you have to digest it.

As an Insta official foodie, you’re known for your love of grub, but now you’re actually expected to eat the stuff. Christmas cake, mince pies, assorted strange puddings. How are you supposed to deal with this and remain #strongnotskinny (albeit pretty thin) come January? Tell them you’ve got an intolerance. This is pre-millennial speak for ‘coeliac vegan’.

Emotions

They’re a bit like… emojis, only people rarely feel ‘aubergine’.

Christmas has got all the feels, and you’re supposed to have them, too: about your loved ones, the baby Jesus, even the whole of humankind. Plus you’re supposed to do this with your face. Practise contorting your expression into different positions. Note: if anyone uses the term ‘gurning’, then you’re giving it too much.

Flirting

It’s a bit like… Tinder, only the police will be called if you flash your genitalia.

Flirtation in the flesh is a bit more complicated than swiping right, then going straight for a dick pic. You will find yourself required to say stuff, listen and amuse, while channelling unfiltered hotness, and in no way implying that you’re a serial killer. The traditional method: drink a lot, LOL at their jokes, and — if they’re still in the vicinity come morning — take it that you slayed.

Sex

It’s a bit like… porn, only somebody else is present.

The good news is: you’re likely to get lucky over the festive season. The bad news: your partner in crime will be higher maintenance than your hand. You’ll find old-school sex a messy, time-consuming, unnervingly random affair during which you are expected to move in more than one area and factor in another human being. Try to remember his or her name and be sober enough to recall your own. Who knows? You may even develop a taste for this fetish.