Millicent Binks: A little rocket ruins my video

Aside from a tin of rhubarb there is no food in my cupboards.

The nearest supermarket is a five-minute walk from my flat but I simply can't be bothered to get dressed and go out. I've been dressing and undressing all day, practising a new Swan Lake burlesque routine - getting changed one more time would finish me off.

So I call up my neighbour Harriet, who happens to be an excellent chef.

"Darling, are you making dinner?" I ask. She is and it's a menu of strawberry, parsnip and rocket balsamic salad - perfect. I put on my kimono and knock on her door.

I'm taken aback by how dolled-up she is, her bright pink lips forming a huge smile.

Relaxing on her sofa while she prepares the salad, I notice her phone lying next to me. It looks like there's a topless woman on the screen so I lean in closer to see, and realise it's Harriet with her bright pink lips. In fact, it's a paused video so of course I can't resist pressing play.

The video begins with her saying "Hi Jonathan, I thought I'd give you a treat" before the camera moves down her body. I quickly switch to the next video, which is Harriet again in the same topless pose and pink lipstick.

"Hi David, I thought I'd give you a little treat"

I flip to the next video and the same thing happens. "Hi Steven" "Hi Greg"

"Jesus, Harriet how many men do you have on the go?!" I shout through the kitchen door with a cackle.

She comes in with the salad bowl, her face as red as the strawberries in it, and laughs too: "I only see them occasionally and none of them are special." She always pretends to be angelic and quiet about her escapades but I know that really she's a minx.

Harriet has inspired me to make my own sexy video for my boyfriend Neanderthal. So I go back to my house and decide this is a real reason to dress up again.

I pop on a lace bodystocking from a Soho sex shop that has fleurs-de-lis on it and I think is really beautiful. It's also crotchless, which it would have to be for this kind of video. I know Neanderthal gets back from an art show soon so I have to hurry.

I press record on the video booth on my laptop and start to say all the things I'm going to do to him. I don't have a chance to watch it back over because I hear the door slam and he's home.



He has a huge grin on his face as he sees me on the bed in my body stocking.

"This is for you!" I say. I hit play on the video as he jumps on the bed with me.

His grin tells me he's turned on, but it turns into more of an amused grin when my face creases at the vision in front of us. There I am, on the computer screen, with a huge bright green piece of Harriet's rocket salad in my teeth.