Miranda Hart gets a make-over

Emma Freud: Shall we pretend you’re really deep and terminally ill and a hermaphrodite — to make you sound more interesting?

Miranda Hart: No.

EF Okay. What was your first ambition?

MH I wanted to be a farmer’s wife. I thought it would be quite fun to wake up of a morning, collect eggs and have sheep and pigs as pets. I know now that it would also involve having to sleep with the farmer, but at the time I wasn’t thinking about the sexual implications — I was 11.

EF So when did you decide on show business instead of cattle?

MH By the age of 13, I knew I wanted to be a comedian like Morecambe and Wise. So obviously I thought I’d better start practising my interviews for Parkinson. Don’t look shocked — I wasn’t the only teenager to imagine that. Though I may have been the only one to have chosen T’Pau as my walk-on music.

EF Give me your average day when writing your [BBC1] sitcom Miranda.

MH I wake up at 7am with a sense of fear and dread. And the first thing I do, even before I have breakfast, is plan what I’m going to have for lunch. Then before I have my lunch I plan what I’m going to have for supper. Then I plan when I’m going to walk my dog. It’s all about snack management and Peggy [the dog]. I write from nine till eight — but I often have a horrid two-hour breakdown moment in the afternoon where I think: “I can’t do this.”

EF How much of the day do you spend loathing yourself?

MH About 80 per cent. The voice on my shoulder just whispers, “You will never finish this script. And if you do, it won’t be as good as series one and two. And then this lovely dangly carrot of being in the gorgeous industry where Eric Morecambe worked will be removed for ever.”

EF How is being famous? Do you get overwhelmed?

MH It doesn’t feel like a massive thing.

EF But I walked through Latitude Festival with you last summer and I’ve never seen anything like it. There were 18,000 people trying to have their photo taken with you.

MH That doesn’t happen very often. Although this summer at the Olympic Stadium I did offer a high five instead of a photo — just because the photos mean it’s quite hard to get anywhere on time — and one girl got upset. If you play someone on TV who is high status, you can get away with being a bit cool and aloof. But I’m not and I can’t — and then people mind, and then I mind. But it’s fine.

EF Do you get nervous?

MH No. Although hosting Have I Got News For You turned me into a wreck. But I could laugh about it right after it had happened, so I’m getting confident about how to get over my under-confidentness. Don’t say I don’t give you quotes. Or make up words.

EF Who is your idol?

MH I actually met my idol this year — Martina Navratilova. I was very nervous then. The person who introduced us overdid it and said I was hilarious and Martina said, “Hello — are you going to do something funny?” I should have said, “Are you going to do a serve?” But I panicked and said, “I nearly dropped my tea earlier.” And then there was a silence. And my upper lip started to sweat. So I said, “Ahem, by the way, there’s this thing in the UK called Comic Relief and they do sketches and then there’s this sister charity called Sport Relief and again they sometimes do sketches but you wouldn’t know it in America because it’s UK-based but in one of the sketches I played tennis against Tim Henman.” And then there was another pause. And she wandered off. And I thought, “I’ve just said the phrase ‘sister charity’ to Martina Navratilova.” Even Richard Curtis would have told me to shut up.

EF Do you mind being tall?

MH I don’t — but it can be annoying as it gives everyone I meet a licence to talk about my height. It’s considered a fair subject of discussion, and everyone asks me how big my feet are and where I get my clothes.