Reflections of the First Lady: inside Melania Trump's Diary

Anyvay, he vill become loving and attentive like he voss during our courtship in 2004, ven he set aside just under an hour — he joked that it voss “about 13 minutes” on Larry King — to ask my daddy for my hand over onion escalope in the Grand Hotel Toplice in Lake Bled. No vonder they got on so vell — they are almost the same age. And ven I voss giving birth to you, Barron, daddy voss right there, at the end of the phone in his penthouse in Trump Tower. “Call anytime!” he said, and venn I did and he didn’t answer he told me he voss doing deals and certainly not grabbing anyvun by the p… anyvay, I believe him.

So, after the medical ve vill be a happy family. Ve vill go to Davos vith daddy and vhile he is telling the Vorld Economic Forum to put America first, ve can go skiing and eat chocolates and buy cuckoo clocks that you can smash vith the special gold hammer daddy bought you. Ve vill be so happy…

*Dear diary

Friday 12 January

Tristo kosmatih medvedov!**

I like to look at the Vall Street Journal fashion pages and also check the veather in Ljubljana, but ven I look for my copy today in my office in the Vhite House East Ving everybody says “Oh, it didn’t come today” or “Oh, the newsagent said it had run out” and so I go to look at it online, and I have to wrestle vith my spokesvoman Stephanie Grisham to stop her unplugging my laptop and finally I see it…

Some voman called Stormy Daniels who used to take her clothes off for money… er… anyvay, this voman claim she had an affair vith my husband shortly before our son voss born. She says he vore “tighty-vhitie” underpants and made her vatch a shark documentary — just like our first date! She says he gave her $130,000.

She is a liar. Just like the other 19.

** “three hundred hairy bears!” (a popular Slovenian curse)

Saturday 13 January

Ve have a blazing row at Mar-a-Lago. Donald just shouts “FAKENEWSFAKENEWSFAKENEWS” vhenever I ask him about anything, so I say I am checking into a hotel, and he changes tack immediately. “The Trump hotels are the best hotels!” he says. “Definitely no cameras or Russian hookers. Very easy-to-launder sheets. I can get you a good room rate, the best.”

Honestly, MEN!

Wednesday 17 January

Ve haven’t spoken for four days. Barron and I sit in our hotel suite vatching How to Get Away Vith Murder and ordering ANYTHING BUT DIET COKE AND CHEESEBURGERS from room service. I have run up a $1,379,050 online bill vith Dolce & Gabbana and Ralph Lauren— about the cost of a golfing veekend at Mar-a-Lago. And I have cried down the phone to my mama, Amalija, who is so far away — in my parents’ apartment at Trump Tower. “Don’t vorry, Melania,” she says. “Everything vill be OK after the doctor tells him to turn over a new leaf…” Donald pleads vith me to move back to the Vhite House, via direct messages on Tvitter, and I give in, confident I vill get my husband back tomorrow…

Thursday 18 January

I vish all doctors would go and GET THEMSELVES SALTED!! ***

*** Slovenian slang for “get lost”

Friday 19 January

The government has shut down. Oh my god, he vill be home ALL THE TIME.

Monday 20 January

The shutdown is over. I book myself a fitting vith my favourite couturier Hervé Pierre and let Barron smash some of Eleanor Roosevelt’s dinner service to celebrate.

Tuesday 23 January

Donald, very pleased vith himself, comes into my East Ving quarters early looking for a “rooster’s breakfast”’**** but I tell him “let the mother hen kick you”***** because everyone is making jokes about “Stormy Daniels blowing away the President” and he still has not denied it publicly or even to me and just keeps shouting “FAKENEWSFAKENEWSFAKENEWS” and putting his tiny fingers in his ears if I bring it up.

**** “morning sex”

***** “go to hell”

Tuesday 23 January

Should I join the #MeToo movement?

Wednesday 24 January

Donald pleads vith me to go vith him to Davos and I ask him if he has always been truthful and faithful to me and he pretends he has an incoming call from his friend Vlad so I slam the door and run upstairs and give Barron all his favourite fake Time magazine covers to tear up…

Thursday 25 January

Donald flies to Davos. I visit the Holocaust Memorial in Vashington. My parents’ marriage vasn’t like this.

Friday 26 January

Donald is vith that Theresa May voman again in Svitzerland, saying how special their relationship is. Surely he vouldn’t…

Saturday 27 January

Donald promises he vill tell everyone how much he loves me in a TV interview. He says it is vith his great friend Piers Moron, although he always used to call him “that goddam limey pantywaist suck-up”. I vatch it but all he talks about is racist videos and something called Arsenal and Meghan Markle, who is just a pretty clothes horse who managed to snare someone richer and more powerful… er…

Sunday 28 January

My spokesvoman Stephanie tveets: “BREAKING: the laundry list of salacious & flat-out false reporting about Mrs Trump by tabloid publications has seeped into mainstream media reporting. She is focused on her family & role as FLOTUS — not the scenarios being peddled daily by the fake news.” My exact vords. But I hate the term FLOTUS. It sounds like something you vould find in a public toilet in Ptuj.

Monday 29 January

Donald got back and went straight to the TV room vith one of KFC’s new Mega--Trumpbuckets to shout at CNN and vork on his State of the Union address. I vent to bed vith a kale salad and my tears.

Tuesday 30 January

Donald pleaded vith me to come to Congress for his State of the Union address and I voss crying and saying no, no, no, but I finally said yes venn he said he was going to tell everyone how much he loved me and agreed to readjust our prenuptial agreement. But I am not... what do the Americans say…? … a pullover? I am going in my own car. And I am going to vear my vhite Christian Dior pantsuit like all the Democrat vomen who vore vhite last year to condemn how badly Donald treats vomen. Me especially.

Wednesday 31 January

I am so furious! All the vomen vere in black, in support of the actresses! The Christian Dior made me look vashed out, and vorse, old! Donald mentioned me only vunce, betveen stupid Mike Pence and the stupid American people! And venn I got home Stormy Daniels voss on Jimmy Kimmel’s show!!!

“Have you ever made love to someone whose name rhymes vith Lonald Lump?” Kimmel asked, and she dodged the question. But that voss my pet name for him venn ve vere dating!

I vish I could turn back time, to venn I voss a car dealer’s daughter living in a two-bedroom flat in Sevnice. Or venn I voss an architecture student. Or venn I voss a fashion model who vould occasionally take her pants off for GQ magazine…

Actually, that doesn’t sound so great. And Donald is outside my door, very proud, very bombastic, telling me it vill all be fine, it vill all be so great, it vill all be better during his second term…

Second term? I burst into tears…

@nickcurtis