Laura Craik on the new fashion rules

1) No matter how many times your kids insert forks up their noses and delay you by doing ‘a really, really runny poo, mummy — come see’, doing the school run in pyjamas will result in the world thinking you’ve lost it.

2) Unless your pyjamas cost £1,000 from Net-A-Porter, and the run in question is to Wetherby School.

3) All women wishing to appear in the House of Commons, regardless of their religion, should wear abayas just in case their dress slips and they bare a shoulder; a far more offensive act, apparently, than Jacob Rees-Mogg lying down and falling asleep midway through an important parliamentary debate.

4) But don’t think wearing a suit will inure you: MP Mhairi Black wears one of those, and is still called a ‘scruffy bint’ and a ‘rug muncher’.

5) Gym kit is always acceptable attire. Life in the crapper? Never mind: stick on some leggings and the world will think you’re a go-getter and in control.

6) The next time you are slut-shamed/told off for dressing inappropriately, simply channel Cardi B. ‘Babe, my titties keep poppin’ out,’ quoth Cardi of her Grammy outfit. Seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation to me.

Buyer’s remorse

You’ve have finally saved up enough to buy the designer handbag of your dreams. Do you a) skip down Old Bond Street, beaming, or b) experience a dissonance between what luxury represents and who you truly are? New research says the answer is likely to be b). The consumption of designer labels can lead to imposter syndrome, with two thirds of those surveyed by Boston College and Harvard Business School admitting their luxury buys made them feel inauthentic.

Blimey. Whatever happened to ‘I’m worth it’? Donald Trump is President and you’re fretting about pricey stuff making you feel like a fake? If you can afford it, you must have worked hard for it. You deserve it.

Gone to pot

The petrol station has run out of roses, Lidl is out of salted caramel truffles and for some inexplicable reason, the crotchless knickers you got her last year remain forlornly in the drawer.

Fear not, unimaginative last-minute Valentine: there’s still time to nip into John Lewis and get her a new Le Creuset (note: do not attempt this in the first flush of love. Long-term partners only). Enter the colourway ‘meringue’. ‘Inspired by the shades of toasted meringue whips, it epitomises a sense of calm,’ according to the person who wrote the press release. Altogether, now: ‘Is that a nice casserole dish, or a meringue?’ Only Scottish people will get that joke. Sorry, everyone else.