We need to talk about Jacob Elordi’s beard

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but have you seen Jacob Elordi’s beard?

The Saltburn star made his first appearance on the red carpet in some months for the Marrakech Film Festival this week, but his appearance (and natty frog brooch) was upstaged by his own facial fuzz. Yep, Elordi has grown a beard. What’s that clang you hear? It’s the sound of the online blogosphere scraping its collective jaw off the ground.

Naturally, the internet went into meltdown – one glimpse of Elordi in a suit tends to – but instead of universal praise, the response was mixed.

“Just no,” one read. “He looks like a gynecologist that you’re a little uncomfortable about,” another wrote. Or another? “Kinda getting Charles Manson vibes.”

Reader, I agree. Now, all power to Jacob Elordi and his decision to do whatever he wants with his hair, but the look doesn’t suit him. The beard was unkempt, giving strong divorced dad energy. The hair was rocking a strong middle part. Nate Jacobs, if twenty years passed and he went to jail for a few of them. And as every over-experimental young man learns at some point, the look is incredibly ageing.

Not great, but bear with me, because it’s benefit of the doubt time. Elordi has, after all, been tapped to play Heathcliff in Emerald Fennell’s upcoming Wuthering Heights adaptation.

Is this some kind of advance (very advance, given the casting was only announced in September) prep for the role? An attempt to excavate the inner workings of literature’s most notorious antihero through the medium of his facial fuzz? Did Elordi just forgot to shave for a few days and think, ‘you know what? This could work’? Well?

Who knows, but now he’s joined the ranks of the bearded celeb and must be judged accordingly. As we all know, a beard doesn’t suit every jawline, and in this case I’m afraid we might be looking at a case of overambition.

But! There are a few celebs who can, in fact, rock a ferocious beard – and from whom Elordi could probably learn a few style tips (first off: shave that bad boy a bit closer to the jawline).

Who shall we start with?

Once you go beard, you never go back – which might well be Jake Gyllenhaal’s real-life motto. The actor tends to rock a longer haircut with a lush, full (but always trim) beard, lending him the hipster coffee-barista look that we know and love. It’s very dandyish, but looks great. Never go back Jake.

The beard is unkempt, the hair is unkempt… how does it work? We’re unsure, but Dev Patel manages to rock it. Perhaps it’s something to do with his baby face (which has now been hidden by scruff). His features just look better balanced with it, and the beard is never too long: he tends to opt for a sort of messy goatee. Again, we’re not sure how it works, but it does.

Salt and pepper beard? On Elba, it works. The immaculately groomed actor has changed up his beard style a few times, but always sticks to some hard-and-fast rules: never grow the beard too long, never grow the hair too long. Otherwise, anything goes, and we’ve been treated to a goatee, a crew cut and a (slightly) longer beard/ shorter hair contrast. It always looks great: we bow down.

An example of how to rock a longer beard just right. The goatee looks thick and luscious, kept in check on either side by Hardy’s strong jawline. It’s trimmed, but looks like it’s been grown out a few days. Paired with Hardy’s crew cut, the effect is strong. We’re big fans.

Alright, it’s not exactly a beard, but who are we to argue with Pedro Pascal’s ferocious ‘tache? Not everybody (read: hardly anybody) can pull off upper lip hair and only upper lip hair with the same amount of panache as Pascal. What’s his secret? The je ne sais quoi attitude? The willingness to pair it with more flamboyant outfits? The metrosexual flair? Tell us when you’ve cracked the code.