Christopher Kane dishes out delightfully delicious relationship advice

Dear Christopher,

It’s my boyfriend’s 30th birthday on Valentine’s Day and I’ve booked a fancy hotel in Paris. I want to surprise him with something sexy in the bedroom but when it comes to anything intimate, I morph into a real fool. Once I tried the trench coat flash but managed to surprise at least six others en route. I chipped one of his front teeth during a bump ’n’ grind jig and have accidentally sexted his aunt. I need an idiot-proof romantic routine. Can you help?

Harriet, 31, Maida Vale

Dear Harriet,

Let’s put a stop to the contrived sexy routines. Guys see through this — it’s a huge turn off. The best birthday gift you can give your boyfriend is revealing who you really want to be in the bedroom. Tell him your deepest, dirtiest fantasies and what role he can play. For your Paris trip I suggest looking up Carine Roitfeld for ideas on how to dress with sexy Parisian style. Once checked in, hit the champagne bar together. After a few glasses of fizz, excuse yourself to the powder room, leaving him a love letter detailing what you’d like to do back in your room. You’ll be steaming up the suite in no time.

Dear Christopher,

I can’t stop thinking about the coffee shop girl near my work — and not just because she makes a cracking oat milk flat white. I see her every morning, but the problem is that I’ve never chatted up a girl IRL before. Tinder and Hinge can’t help me now. When she smiles at me I just shuffle off, Napoleon Dynamite style. How can I dazzle her?

Mylk fan-in-love, 26, Dalston

Dear Mylk,

Fan-in-love,Tinder and Hinge have robbed so many young people of the joys of flirting! But beware: a smile IRL isn’t a swipe right. She’s paid to be nice and this is her workplace, so don’t overdo it — the dazzling part can come later if you get a date. There are two options here: 1) she’s a saucy milk maid trying to fill her tip jar, or 2) she’s giving you the glad eye. Take a chance and slip her your number. But be prepared to have your oats frothed elsewhere.

Dear Christopher,

My wife of 34 years has told me she wants to try having an open relationship. I’m on board, but I haven’t been on a date in a lifetime. I’ve secured a woman on Tinder. Where shall I take her? Is sex on the first date tacky? And when do I mention that I’m married?

Martin, 61, Hampstead

Dear Martin,

I’m a firm believer that relationships evolve into what they are meant to be and sexual liberation is a beautiful thing — so long as no one gets hurt. Be up front with your date, she might get a kick out of knowing you have a wife at home. If she cancels, reconsider your approach. You might find a pampas grass on the lawn speaks more to open minded women of your age. For your first date, I’d recommend dining in central London, that way you won’t be worrying about twitching curtains and you can enjoy your night of pleasure. Sex is never tacky at any time of life with two consenting adults. Embrace this new chapter in your life, Martin: 60 is the new 40.

Dear Christopher,

I’ve been seeing a man for about eight months. We get on like a house on fire and it’s the best sex I’ve ever had. However, his wardrobe is whack. He’s a paid-up member of the pointy brown shoes/blue jeans club, and he started wearing waistcoats — oh, yes — after the World Cup. How can I slyly change his style without hurting his feelings?

Jane, 37, Brixton

Dear Jane,

The best sex you’ve ever had and you get on like a house on fire — I’m thrilled for you! Unfortunate on the sartorial front. If you’re planning a life together you have plenty of time to shape him — these things do take time. For now, my advice would be to halt any harsh What Not to Wear acts or you might lose him. Comment on male celebrities’ attire that you admire and casually leave a GQ in the loo. Failing all that, carry on as you are in the bedroom and soon enough, those dreadful waistcoats should be a thing of the past. Good luck!

Got a burning question? Christopher will be offering relationship advice on @eveningstandardmagazine Instagram Live this weekend