Ben Machell is all for male beautification, but hands off the brows...

There’s a certain kind of man who is always very keen to let the world know he does not approve of current male beauty trends. I am pleased — proud, really — to say that I am not one of them. It’s not that I’m personally into cleansers and treatments and extensive pampering sessions with the boys, it’s just that, at the end of the day, if given a choice, I’m all up for being surrounded by beautiful men. It’s better than being surrounded by crusty, puffy, tired-looking men, anyway. That’s just basic.

In fact, I’ve often had to embed myself in the world of male beauty, firing-off reports from the front lines so that the world will know what ‘manscara’ or ‘guylashes’ are. And as a direct result of this, I have developed a healthy admiration for the men who put themselves through it all. I’ve had my eyelashes tinted at the Oxford Street Topshop. I’ve had a full body spray tan in a Leicester Square hotel spa, a lovely man stripping me down to my pants before squealing ‘Let’s get you golden!’ and letting rip, making me look like a lanky Mr Universe.

Nice though. Oddly cooling. And I really glowed.

What else? I’ve been tasked with employing concealers and mud masks and didn’t feel any less manly for it. I actively enjoyed using a serum, but mainly because I quite like the word ‘serum’, and all its associations with comic book superpowers.

Less fun was getting my privates waxed. I went to a dark basement off Regent Street where a chatty woman briskly gave me the best part of a Brazilian. Did I want a smooth scrotum, she asked? I wasn’t totally sure that I did. Ended up with one anyway. By the time she was done, my genitals looked like some sickly primary school classroom pet and, a few hours later, I’m pretty sure I went into delayed shock, shaking and shivering in bed while my girlfriend just laughed at me. But there are men who do this regularly. And I respect them for it.

The only thing I’ve point-blank refused to do is have my eyebrows threaded. I’ve always quite liked my big, bushy eyebrows. When you’ve got a massive moon face, you need some strong features, and I just couldn’t bear to have them in any way diminished. God. Does that make me vain? I hope not.