After hours: playing ping pong games with neanderthal behind closed doors

Most birthday presents are wrapped in pretty paper but my boyfriend Neanderthal's birthday present is inside a steel safe in a locked room. "Open it!" I say shrilly, handing him the code on a scrap of paper.

His face goes from perplexed to pleasantly curious as he finds a bunch of keys and an address written on a black business card with a gold picture of a cage on the front.

The destination is a short walk down the road and I give away nothing until we get to the door.

"You're going to love it," I say, pulling the keys out from his jacket pocket, "I've hired a kinky dungeon for three hours."

The first thing we see when we push open the door is a beautiful chaise longue and in front of it a bottle of champagne, two glasses and some black macaroons on a coffee table. I decide I'm going to pull my dress over my head and pose on the chaise for him in my new What Katie Did see-through peach lingerie. But before I can even lift my skirt he's bolted the door shut and pushed me onto the chaise.

"Wait, wait," I shriek as Neanderthal gets engrossed. And then: "Not yet - I haven't even showed you around."

We pour our champagne and giggle when we realise the ceiling is decorated with hanging cages.

I take his hand and pull him through the doorway to the right. The walls are fully mirrored so you can see every possible angle as you play with the contraptions. These include a kind of spanking bench with all kinds of leather straps hanging off, and a big X-shaped device on the wall with more straps and every kind of whip you can imagine, from ping pong bat-shaped ones to spiked rubber versions.

Even I have no idea what some of the toys do, especially the crotch-like harness hanging from the ceiling. Neanderthal just stands in the doorway, mouth agape, probably thinking what a nutter his girlfriend is. I respond by putting my legs through the harness and doing up the buckle.

I'm still pondering what the hand loops are for when suddenly I have to grab hold of them tightly because Neanderthal turns a wheel on the wall that lifts me higher and higher into the air. I shriek and he laughs - I feel like prey.

I am a little peeved when Neanderthal rips my nice new panties but it's all in the heat of passion.

We try to use a camera, then get so excited we drop it on the floor and it smashes. I retaliate with a thwack from a dressage whip when Neanderthal's back is turned, but regret it later when I'm strapped to the X and being ping pong batted.

The third room is medical-themed. There is a doctor's bed, a screen, a cabinet full of equipment and a little latex nurse's uniform hanging up. I've always wanted to play doctors and nurses with Neanderthal so I don't hesitate to pop on the outfit and grab the stethoscope.

Then I give Neanderthal special medical attention until our three hours of playtime are up.

As we pop the keys back in the safe I'm secretly glad his birthday's only once a year - my bottom needs a chance to recover from that ping pong bat.