Wanna be in my salon gang?

It gets harder and harder to be part of a truly elite social scene.

Private drinking-club memberships are ten a penny. Bars and clubs that once seemed chichi - The Met, Chinawhite, Attica - are now essentially the preserve of the bridge-and-tunnel brigade; scene tourists who pop on their best Burberry and then roll up West in search of glamour and bona fide C-list celebrity thrills. Even creative collectives are getting a bit common, now that Natural Nylon has trashed the brand somewhat.

Fortunately, there is still one social enclave that's remained immune to the cheapening influence of the mainstream.

It's salon society, the elite intellectual circuit which originated in 17th-century aristo France, hit a high point in Proust and Lautrec's fin de si?cle Paris, was commandeered by Dorothy Parker and her fellow sharp-speaking Manhattanites in the Twenties, and is now enjoying a renaissance among the fast and fashionable of 21st-century London.

Salons are more structured than their low-rent counterpart - the Keith Allen and Alex James-style celebrity gang. They are creative sounding boards and networking opportunities for a smart and select few. They're power bases, arenas for the lively interchange of sharp ideas, the development of scripts, wardrobe concepts, bids to dominate the world etc.

Focussing on monthly or bi-monthly gatherings, salon members exchange gossip, information and phone numbers, and agree to support each other in all matters. Individual salon members compound and confirm their authority and credibility via their association with each other. They are, some might argue, a sort of glam, prettier version of the Masons. The Media Masons, if you like.

Each salon is organised around - and, usually, by - one individual. Often (though not exclusively), a woman or gay man of a certain age, officially referred to as the 'salon dowager'. The salon will meet at their home, or at a devastatingly exclusive private drinking bar of their choosing. All opinions and views expressed by a salon must first be endorsed by the salon dowager.

Salons can be international affairs, with alternative member bases on every continent. In the UK, for example, Liza Minnelli counts Martine McCutcheon, Graham Norton, Elton John (a dowager in his own right), Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Night and Day soap star Stuart Manning among salon regulars. In the States, she boasts Liz Taylor, Michael Jackson, Mia Farrow, Janet Leigh, Chaka Khan and Petula Clark.

To ensure that a salon remains as exclusive as is humanly possibly, etiquette is strict. Prospective new members are proposed (carefully and after much consideration) by an existing member, thus: 'Shall we invite X to salon next time?' The proposed new member's eligibility will then be discussed exhaustively and their character and look will be deconstructed over the course of several salons to ensure that it complements that of existing salon members. Finally, a decision is reached. Occasional members and one-night-only members may be introduced to the proceedings, as circumstances require.

According to one salon regular: 'Quite the worst thing a salon newcomer can do is expose themselves as too civilian. Don't be overtly impressed by a more famous salon member. Look them in the eye when you talk to them and don't get hung up on any rumours you may have heard. Don't be afraid to disagree with them on something - although only do this if you genuinely disagree. Don't challenge them for the sake of it, and never let it get aggressive. Also, never use anyone's surname. If it's a sufficiently A-list gathering, surnames will be irrelevant, and using them faintly insulting.'

Membership fees are paid in kind: bons mots and contacts, ideas and razor-sharp witticisms. Anyone unsuitable will be forcibly ejected. Anyone failing to sufficiently amuse and flatter the salon dowager will be ejected forcibly. Salon should also only ever be referred to as 'salon', as opposed to 'the salon': as in 'Will you be able to make it to salon this Thursday?'

Naturally, the exclusive nature of salon society means that you're unlikely ever to get anywhere near joining one. That's the whole point, after all. But never mind, it's always healthy to have something glittering and elusive to aspire toward. In the meantime, practise your pithy, incisive observations, and slick, amusing one-liners, and beef up your contacts book. You never know when you'll need them.

Part-time Salon Dowager: Cilla Black
Sitcom Salon Dowager: Johnny Vaughan
Society Salon Dowager: Elton John
Salon Madonna Dowager: Madonna
Glamour Salon Dowager: Anita Pallenberg
Smart Salon Dowager: Emma Freud
Do's and don't's at a salon