Macca bowed to no one, but now he sings for the Queen

Looking at the line-up for the Jubilee concert, the obvious question is: what on earth has got into Paul McCartney and Ozzy Osbourne? Atomic Kitten and The Corrs, well, you can understand why they'd participate. Bands like that have no stance on royalty beyond, "Wasn't Princess Di pretty? And then she died! Isn't that sad?"; they can't be expected to be Jubilee refuseniks. Elton John, meanwhile, loves anyone with a taste for decent flower-arranging and outstanding sartorial plushness, and should be respected in that life choice.

But what excuse do the two rock giants possibly have? When these men were at their peak, they would no sooner have offered allegiance to the Queen than they would have done a Sainsbury's advert.

They were at the vanguard of their generation's radicalism, they used rude words and an array of soft and hard drugs, snorted ants and bit the heads clean off bats. They were the baddest. What's gone wrong?

First, I think we can discount the possibility that either has become a royalist. The Royal Family is notoriously rubbish at recruiting fans. Second, I think it's pretty improbable that either has a subversive intention, like, er, getting on stage and then swearing really loudly.

No, these two just want to be in with the in-crowd. It might have been pass? to proffer respect to one's monarch 25 years ago; but nowadays, to believe passionately in a better, republican future is pass? as well.

So, what's the alternative? To celebrate the Queen in an ironic way - yup, our stocky figurehead is now about as postmodern as you get.

I don't care about civil lists, or constitutions, or what we'd have instead of a Queen. I couldn't give two shakes of a squirrel's tail about the Queen's tax breaks. Come on, what is this weekend if not an occasion to celebrate a 50-year career of purest waving? And how could anyone go about celebrating that, apart from tongue-in-cheekily, with eyebrows arched (quite the facial workout, when you think about it)?

Who better to lead us in joking song than Macca, the man who has such a chasm where his irony function should be that his whole being has become ironic? OK, it's not laugh-out-loud funny, but then irony rarely is.

The Entertainment Chief at E! Network said: "Five minutes through the eyes of Anna Nicole is more fascinating than an entire lifetime for some people."

I think every single thing wrong with the giant machine that is modern telly can be found in the rank egregiousness of that statement.

She attended a party and, according to "friends", couldn't speak or stand by the end of the evening. She was photographed looking as drunk as a sock.

Now, I embarked on this thought hoping to give the youngster tips on how not to look drunk, and then realised I didn't have any. There are only two ways not to look drunk - a) don't drink, or b) take drugs. In the latter case, you won't look drunk, but you might look as if you're on drugs.

Instead of pursuing either course, I suggest that some young filly - be it Chelsea, or a member of the cast of EastEnders, embark on a test case for her generation. Someone has to take a newspaper to court and make them explain, in front of a proper judge, exactly what's wrong with being drunk at the end of a night, and furthermore, make them admit that being sober would be a far greater character flaw. If you're going to be sober, you stay in.