15 steps to being a 21st century woman

It must be in functional white - silver is too hi-tech and primary colours are too smug and stylish. It must be taller than you are (ditto, husband) and it must be action-packed with small things in bags. You must be the only person who knows what's in the bags, and you must have an intricate and long-term plan as to what to do with them. Occasionally, and preferably when you have guests, your husband should open the tall white fridge and say, 'Oh darling, what's in this bag?' You will smile and say, 'Oh Babylove, only some egg whites.' It goes without saying that there is nothing mouldy in your fridge, nor is there any hard liquor. Liquor lives elsewhere since you plan your drinking three weeks in advance and have plenty of time to chill it.

2 Find better guests

High-octane socialising is out. Only invite your dearest friends since your idyllic homestead should never play backdrop to urban bitch-talk. Saying that, try to make sure your dearest friends are famous. Today's guest exerts the bulk of his or her talents finding new and interesting ways to say 'this is delicious' - which it will be - and avoids strong opinions, which can cause indigestion. Some old rules still apply - make sure they aren't thinner than you, for instance. If you're having a bad-figure day and can't find anyone as fat as you, badly dyed roots make up for it, as does drinking too much. Make sure they have children, but also make sure they don't bring them. Never ask them to bring a bottle, since it might clash with your other bottles.

3 Keep posh vinegar

Close observers might remember Delia Smith's position in the flavoured-vinegar debate - never buy it, quoth she, for even though it looks pretty, it shall only go off, and besides, if you need some, you can always make it yourself the night before. In fact, this is precisely the reason you should buy it, since it gives off the following messages: a) I cook often enough to use a whole flagon of tarragon vinegar before it putrefies; b) I like to have pretty things around me. That almost sums up the perfect woman of the 21st century. But not quite...

4 Get a sleek mane

All hair should be long and sleek and tossable. Grow it long, and get that horrid inorganic dye out of it; unless you are mousey, in which case carry on dyeing but start lying about it. Toss it a lot, like a pretty horse, and tuck it ineffectually behind your ears while you cook, making sure it won't stay there and you'll have to tuck it again in a minute (it's cute, the tucking). Every now and then, pull it in front of your face in a shy way, then say something really dumb like 'Which way's left again?'

5 Give birth twice

But don't talk about it in any detail. Make sure the oldest is serious and sweet, and the youngest is mischievous and clever, in an Enid Blyton way. Never shout swear words at them, ever. If they come back knowing any swear words, lock them under the stairs until they've forgotten them. Your mission is to have confident, happy, boisterous children who know what a slotted spoon is but don't know what 'f***' means until they get back from university.

6 Forget a sense of humour

Work on demure, which as far as I can make out means smiling often and laughing seldom. A sense of humour should be avoided, since it will involve laughing at your own jokes, which is both graceless and ugly (it shows fillings). Introduce some of the following phrases into your vocabulary (if you find yourself choking, try them one at a time): 'I can see both points of view'; 'Let's not jump to any conclusions'; 'Oh, but she/he/it's such a darling'; 'I don't really drink much nowadays'.

7 Keep up the manicures

Only change the brief from 'I want to look like I've just chewed up a man and spat him out' to 'I want to look like my nails grow into this delicate shape and colour on their own'. Your stylist will understand.

8 Buy loads of kitchen things

Including: a) a large number of those funny-shaped serving bowls that people give each other for Christmas, and you never worked out what to do with until you discovered the four-course meal; b) kitchen towel, and a kitchen-towel dispenser; c) vast pots fashioned from stainless steel, which are handy when 25 people drop in unannounced and you'd love to make them a quick pasta supper; d) a blender (see below for usage instructions); e) many, many utensils - the kind of utensils which aren't strictly necessary unless you are called upon to carve a roasted swan stuffed with starlings.

9 Get married - stay married

And once you are married, don't do any of that Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? stuff when you've got people round. Never tell your friends how often you have sex. Unless it's all the time, and even then you'll have a job finding a way of saying so which doesn't make people want to gag. Your core intention is to cause envy among your friends - so, if you're with single friends, just be quite nice to each other, and if you're with married friends, be nicer to each other than they're being. Don't have an affair. Don't say undermining things like 'Yes, but you're useless, and you earn less than me, and your IQ is lower than mine, and you're getting fat, and you're a busted flush, and you'll never amount to anything, and my whole life has been blighted by having met you' even if you're having a really bad row.

10 Let baking into your life

Set aside a day a week for it. Make your own bread, and cheesy scones. Own one of those cake tins with the detachable bottom which cakes will actually come out of. Laugh at people who buy their cakes in shops, although not in a catty way. Own loads of Tupperware for storing the large amount of cakes you've just made. Own doilies, and a couple of those cake stands you see in tea shops. Don't open the oven door until the cooking time is up! Fold it, fold it gently with a metal spoon! THE AIR IS IN THE BUBBLES! Sorry, am I getting over-excited? All I'm trying to say is, it's a very wholesome thing, the making of one's own fairy cakes. If you get it nailed down, you can probably dispense with all the other rules.

11 Get rid of that striplight

Only flattering lighting should be allowed in your kitchen - this is, after all, not just any old room, but the site of the most profound statement of your life's purpose. You don't want to look dowdy, from any angle - your lighting should be just bright enough to be able to read the labels on your spice rack, and no brighter.

12 Just say no

All class A drugs are out, likewise class B, C and D, if there is a D. Don't take anything that makes you talk too much or makes you talk too slowly, or dribble (tranquillisers are too Eighties, anyway). Don't smoke, or if you must smoke, don't do it over sauces. Pretend that having a cup of coffee after 4pm will keep you awake all night.

13 Slough off drunken friends

Anyone who thinks it's really funny to laugh about the old you has to go. Lose their phone number, fail to return their calls, sound chilly when they catch you in and say, 'I'm just nipping to Divertimenti, they have some wonderful old pebble scales just in.' It doesn't matter if they have a close relationship with you or saved your life once when you got drunk and walked off a cliff. Be ruthless.

14 Love your blender

Stroke it a lot. Whisper nice things to it, when you look as if you think you're alone but are perfectly aware that there's someone behind you. Trust me, you may feel silly, but it's sweet as anything.

15 Get a puppy

Don't get something common, though, like a Staffordshire bull terrier. You're looking for a status, Labrador-style puppy. When it shows signs of no longer being a puppy, get rid of it and buy a new one. Tell your children puppies are like hamsters and don't live long.