Ticking by the market

I have always been of the opinion that only those who lived in mental institutions or condemned properties in Peterborough would welcome the arrival of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and his Changing Rooms cronies. If he turned up at my house dressed like a pantomime dame and with a low-loader piled high with MDF, I'd call the police.

Llewelyn-Bowen's proper job (yes, honestly, he has one) is being at the helm of Llewelyn-Bowen Design Associates, the company commissioned to do a once-over on the new Inc Bar. I was too scared to touch anything when I visited, for fear the whole place would wobble and collapse around me. But this seems to be a robust, professional job, with L-B's inimitable style at the forefront of the design.

There are three separate bars, and a balcony restaurant overlooking the main bar. The main room, a totally modern affair, is a double-height, spacious room filled with antique clocks (coincidentally, this place was previously known as Time) and reproduction Art Deco picture frames (the pictures cleverly change every few seconds to reveal different black-and-white prints). Back-lit, tutti-frutti-patterned panels on the bar are interesting, if you like that sort of thing.

The second room, known as Larry's Bar (is that what we're supposed to call L-B these days?) was far too scary to enter. I think old L-B was on an acid trip and looking though a kaleidoscope when he chose the swirly patterned carpet. Such visual experiences could seriously damage your psyche - you have been warned.

The third room, the Divan, is a must-see, simply for its pornographic wallpaper. 'I love 18th-century pornography,' L-B states in the press release, at which point I stopped reading. Suffice it to say that it's not real porn, just stencils of various people adopting a variety of positions. Moving on...

The cocktails are a bit weird, veering towards too sweet. But I can imagine L-B strolling around in one of Bette Davis's cast-off frocks, smoking through a cigarette-holder and sipping something called a Japanese Slipper - which I tried (the drink, that is), and it tasted like one.

I am sad to say that there are no little blinders on the wine list, even though they've adopted an aggressive pricing policy. Cheapest on the menu is a Copper Ridge Californian chardonnay at £14. Vintages are not specified. The selection of spirits includes a few quality brands, but lacks any real depth.

At least the food is good. You order plates of tapas and we wolfed down dishes of flat bread with spiced lamb, beef carpaccio salad, chorizo sausages and smoked mackerel - £18 for the lot. Food from the balcony restaurant is not available in the bar areas.

Although this is currently a night-time playground (they have bouncers on the door, presumably to stop L-B coming in and frightening the guests), there is talk of all-day opening when the warm weather comes and tourists flock to the sights nearby.

Inc is a very different place, and generally quite pleasing on the eye. The people of Greenwich must be well pleased with it, and if I lived at number 9 College Approach, I would probably go there every day.

INC Bar & Restaurant
7 College Approach, SE10 9HY