Recipe for confusion at The Botanist

When I phoned the Botanist to make a reservation, I asked for a table for two at 7.45pm. "So that’ll be a table for two at 8pm," said the receptionist. Er, no, 7.45. Was she deaf? On arrival, it turned out all the staff were deaf — or so chronically distracted they didn’t bother listening to me at all.

I’d asked for a table for two (I was given one for four), I asked for two glasses of champagne (only one came), I asked for the wine list (the waitress forgot to bring it), I ordered a large and small glass of Chablis in succession (both were bafflingly the same size yet I was charged for two different amounts on my final bill).

The Botanist is run by the Martin brothers who set up The Gun in Docklands. It enjoys a prestigious location on Sloane Square and marks their first expansion into west London. It’s only been open for two weeks and judging by the packed house the night I went it’s already a hit with the affluent Chelsea crowd.

The dining room is attractive, with oak floors and comfortable cream leather banquettes, and at one end there is an eye-catching illuminated panel featuring some of the animals and plants discovered by Sir Hans Sloane in the Caribbean.

To be fair to the staff, the Botanist must have the worst acoustics in town. But this makes the inattentiveness of the waiters even more inexcusable. At no stage did any of them seem to write down our order. I have never been to a restaurant where you are served by so many different staff. Seven people attended to us during our sitting. After our first course, our side plates were cleared away and never reap-peared. Chairs were suddenly removed from our table without consultation. A cleaner periodically bustled past us sweeping the floor. It was chaotic and bewildering.

The general confusion extended to the cuisine. Some dishes had too many ingredients. My wife chose seared foie gras, smoked duck and orange salad, with caramelised shallots and fried quail’s egg (£14). The foie gras was good, if slightly overcooked, but there were too many competing flavours.

I had a Cornish crab and avocado ravioli starter (£8) adorned with a sprig of coriander that was going to seed. The Scottish lobster was sweet and succulent but expensive (£30) given the modest portion. It came with a salad which was not advertised on the menu. I needlessly ordered a side dish.

I thought I had got the hang of the acoustics by the pudding course. Enunciating every syllable I asked for an AP-PLE TARTE TA-TIN. Fifteen minutes later a waiter presented me with a chocolate tart. When my wife said she would like to eat her dessert at the same time as her husband the waiter said he hadn’t taken our original order and suggested she share her chocolate pudding with me until my correct order arrived. No apology was forthcoming. When my tarte arrived it came without a fork so I ended up chasing it around the plate.

Thank goodness we hadn’t gone there for a celebratory meal. We both left the restaurant feeling so angry we walked most of the way home.

The Botanist
Sloane Square, London, SW1W 8EG