Failing to conquer Japanese

Do we really like Japanese food or is it just perceived as unfattening and therefore fashionable?

I only ask because Jacobi Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe, a descendant of William the Conqueror, and Max Della Torre e Tasso, a prince - just two of the people involved in the launch of Nozomi in Beauchamp Place - don't sound as if they are, how shall we say, innately handy around the old chopsticks.

The Japanese Nozomi, which has replaced the Italian restaurant Floriana, boasts two chefs who have crossed the road from Zuma and an owner, Marios George, whose accomplishments include an erstwhile involvement in the club Attica.

As soon as we arrived for our 9pm booking, I realised we had committed the appalling solecism of being over 25 and weighing more than seven stone apiece.

The towering black-clad deskbat, quite rightly, directed us to the worst table in the room next to the service station. Then Angelo, who used to work at Le Caprice and is now a manager at Nozomi, recognised us and immediately offered a better spot, but stoically I decided that we should stay put. Where we belonged.

The relatively short menu is divided into sections entitled Hatusara, Omo Sara and Kozuke and Salad.

Extrapolating from the prices and also, of course, relying on my many years of experience in restaurants, I decided that these meant first course, main course and side dishes.

Pork belly and vegetable namasu (I don't know either) with watercress, one of our chosen starters, proved unavailable, so lamb tataki with creamed avocado, thyme and "home-made soy sauce" was ordered instead.

I didn't realise that you could make soy sauce at home, but the kitchen seemed to have come up with a pretty feeble end-product. Thin, credit-cardsized slices of meat lay in weak salty liquid with some small cubes of avocado scattered around.

Langoustine shabu-shabu with Navi's (he is one of the chefs) dressing at £18 featured four utterly tasteless, cotton wool-textured shellfish arranged around that famously Japanese garnish, tomato concasse. I have had better crab shu mai in many dim-sum restaurants and for considerably less than £6.50.

A main course of salmon Saikyo and bekko tamago (don't ask, it's beside the point) was a sliver of fish which tasted as if marinated in room-freshener.

Seabream with match vegetables and happo (forget it) broth was a similarly modest portion and the slices of duck breast served in a sweet sauce with chopped baby leeks were the same size as the first-course lamb.