How not to be the most hideous bore at parties

1. Dress extravagantly. Over dress. Grab anything sparkly and bright and paint your nails interesting colours. Get a blow dry. If you look good you’ll be in a better mood. Drink copious amounts of alcohol and definitely dance.

2. If you need to order anything to zhush up the party, how about doing so the day before. Spending all night going room to room searching for phone reception and shouting your address down a phone can get a bit wearing for others.

3. If it’s a dinner party then please talk at a decent decibel. It’s awful having to lean into someone you’re not that keen on or repeatedly having to ask them to speak up. This is even more tedious if what they’re saying is dull. Start all stories no more than 20 seconds from the end (this rule can be applied pleasingly to every story you ever tell).

4. Say outrageous, attention-seeking things like, ‘Guess who I’ve slept with in this room.’ Offer to rate them out of 10. Ask the person you’re chatting with to do the same. Ask people shockingly personal questions. In my experience people are often so stunned, they answer. This can be amusing and lead on to other interesting conversation.

5. If you are left with a bore, introduce him to someone else, then meanly move on. Or just say you need the loo. Never leave anyone on their own who seems to have no one to talk to.

6. For God’s sake don’t go round taking pictures of everyone to try to boost your Instagram following. This is very much in the tragique-not-chic category of behaviour.

7. You will have to share your cigarettes I’m afraid, so this might be a two-packet kind of night. Accept this with grace.

8. Don’t talk about work. No one likes a networker. This is your chance to get drunk and find out what’s gone wrong in your friend’s sex life, not ask them what they thought about your latest marketing campaign. Trust me, no one cares.

9. If three people in a row tell you they need to get a drink/need the loo/have seen someone they need to talk to and then disappear, leave the party immediately and read these rules carefully before you attempt a party again. You might be a you know what.