Scot free: finding 'me time' at Gleneagles

I’ve never understood people who say they find it hard to relax. I mean, how hard is it to do something for yourself, or just do nothing at all?

I’ve no qualms about forgetting that my partner, family, or job exist during an hour-long massage, or weekend break. I’d go as far as to say self-indulgence is something I excel at. That was until I spent two nights at Scotland’s Gleneagles Hotel as part of its ESPA Life programme. I’ve never known ‘me time’ like it. And that’s saying something.

A week before my trip, I had a phone call from a lady called Louise, who wanted to know everything about me. She introduced herself as the ESPA ‘gatekeeper’, and explained that it was her job to find out all she could about my life, stress levels and health concerns before I arrived, so she could have a bespoke wellness plan in place. I imagined her wrapped in a hemp kaftan, burning incense while perched on the gateway to happiness, only letting the most enlightened past. She asked me about my family, friends, and what makes me happy or sad. Thanks to her expertly phrased questions and soothing tone, this 45-minute conversation with a complete stranger was like free therapy, rather than intrusive. She asked me to keep a food diary and said we’d meet for a session once I’d checked in.

Thanks to Louise, I was feeling well looked after even before having my bags swooshed from my hands by kilted Scotsmen on arrival at Gleneagles, a grand château-style hotel an hour from Glasgow, which is most famous as a golf resort. In fact, it will host the Ryder Cup in 2014, though don’t let that put you off — the 850 acres of Perthshire countryside are stunning.

For me, it was straight down to the spa, a cool modern contrast to the 1920s grandeur of the main hotel (which was the location for the G8 summit in 2005). I was greeted by Louise, who far from manning some hippie tollbooth, was dressed in a smart trouser suit, had a CEO’s handshake and not a whiff of patchouli about her. Her office was as bland as a doctor’s surgery, because the ESPA Life programme is not just about massages, saunas and fruit smoothies, it’s about serious wellness. In the absence of any actual health concerns, I told her about a minor ear complaint that various doctors had recommended I ignore. It was the first time anyone had taken it seriously and she prescribed iridology (the study of your iris), acupuncture, osteopathy and personal training, all of which were available at the spa along with massages, a vitality pool, sauna and crystal steam room.

That evening I ate from the specially designed ESPA Life menu (beetroot soup, superfood salad) in the quiet Deseo restaurant, the hotel’s brasserie-style diner, and had an early night, as my gatekeeper had advised. My luxurious Estate room had a view over the tennis courts and Capability Brown-inspired landscaped gardens, where the next morning I met Bradley for a ‘greet the day’ jog before breakfast. It was iridology next; Louise took a photo of my eyeball and told me I needed to eat more hot food and cut out dairy products. Then it was back to Bradley, who is also the osteopath. He wrapped me in Kinesio tape to help me stand up straighter, and massaged my neck and jaw as he’d been told about my ear complaint. Next I had an hour of acupuncture that left me feeling euphoric. After being poked, prodded and peered at, I was ready for an ill-advised glass of wine, and dined that evening in the excellent Strathearn restaurant on everything I’d been told to avoid: creamy truffle risotto, goat’s cheese en croute, hot lemon soufflé, with green tea ice cream and lashings of Pinot Noir.

My ESPA Life ‘journey’ ended the next day, with a two-hour holistic total body massage and a facial peel. I was as good as new, and came away with some expert advice from a team of kind, patient and knowledgeable health practitioners. Whether I chose to take this advice was another matter; something that when Louise, still gatekeeping, phoned me a week later for an after-care consultation, I was embarrassed to admit. ES

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A three-day package combining treatments from experienced health practitioners, a comprehensive food plan from the ESPA Life menu and a stay in an Estate room, 1 November 2012 to 31 March 2013 (excluding 21 December 2012 to 2 January 2013), costs £975 per person for three nights, or £805 per person for three nights when two people are sharing (0800 389 3737; gleneagles.com)