What your presents mean...

We usually - but not always - give presents to our partners with the best intentions. But there's a complex psychology at work in the gifts we choose. So what are the hidden messages in the presents men and women buy one another?

1. A bunch of tired flowers, a packet of Maltesers and a Road Atlas of Great Britain means...
The only place that was open at 10pm on Christmas Eve was the local garage. But hey, you love flowers and sweets, right? And you're always getting lost.

2. A pink Mini i-Pod means...
This kind of high-tech toy would normally be a guy thing, but it's pretty pink so I know you're going to love it - which makes me think that you're hopelessly girly, but completely adorable.

3. A BlackBerry personal organiser/ phone/emailer means...
I respect you as an intelligent, working woman with a busy schedule who can handle state-of-the art electronics. Besides, I gave you an iPod last year.

4. A selection of soap or scent means either...
I am a clueless dope who wanders around his nearest department store looking sad and lost, and then plumps for anything vaguely smelly.

Or...

I know exactly what beauty products you use and have bought a perfectlychosen assortment. So hang on to me, because I'm worth it.

Or even...

I went to Jo Malone and got a vast box of goodies in a big black bow because chicks fall for that kind of thing.)

5. Diamond jewellery means...
You are a very lucky girl. And I have been a very naughty boy. But I'm hoping you'll be too dazzled by the rocks to wonder just how naughty - or with whom. (N.B. In theory, diamonds can also mean: 'I love you more than life itself and want to stay with you for ever.' But don't count on it.)

6. A BMW X-5, a Louis Vuitton bag and a case of Cristal champagne means...
I am a Premiership footballer. The good news is: I earn £50,000 a week. The bad news is: I've got the looks of Wayne Rooney, the voice of David Beckham and the wandering eye of Sven Goran Eriksson. But if that bothered you, you wouldn't be here, would you, pet?

7. A set of plastic surgery vouchers worth £10,000 means...
Have a new pair of boobs, two fat-free thighs and a trendy set of fish-lips on me. Not that I want to make you feel inadequate or insecure. It's just that I like to be surrounded by perfection.

8. A gigantic box of expensive Belgian chocs means...
I know you love chocolates, and I'll be watching you struggle between your longing to scoff the lot and your terror of becoming a fat, spotty blob. So, about those plastic surgery vouchers...

10. Lingerie means...
Pre-maritally: 'Yeah, baby!' Postmaritally: 'I know you're exhausted and the kids are screaming and you feel self- conscious about your stretchmarks and your cellulite, but since this is Christmas, could you indulge just the once?' Also, if it's from somewhere classy such as Damaris or Agent Provocateur, it says: 'I'm a sophisticated master of seduction.' If it's nylon High Street tat, it says: 'I'm a cheap lech.'

10. A trimmed marabou nightie with matching high-heeled mules means...
I'm A secret tranny and want to wear these once you've finished with them. But at least I'm the kind of man who gets your hints, knows your scent...and, by the way, here are some diamonds.