This season's Miami

Short shorts, perma tans, Rollerblades and bodily perfection on the prom.

South Beach, Miami, is where all the guys who do the diet, pump the iron and dedicate their lives to toning and honing come to live.

The women are in pretty good shape, too - but can't match the drag diva doppelgangers, without whom South Beach just wouldn't be the same.

Like most holiday towns, it has a two-tier system - the places where the tourists go and those the locals know, plus a few timeless classics where everybody grooves together.

The trick is to mix your voyeurism-as-tourism with a little inside knowledge (like never turning down an invitation - residents will go to the opening of a wound).

South Beach is:

Knowing the right part of town.
Although one of the hot hotels - The Tides - favoured by Gisele Bundchen, Ben Affleck, J-Lo and hubby-Lo - is on Ocean Drive, you should only be seen either north of it (in the slightly grungy parts between 15th to 20th Street) or south of 5th. Up at Lincoln Road, between 16th and 17th, the grande dame hotels, such as the non-scene National (Bruce Weber, Helmut Newton), have had a facelift and, get this, Ritz-Carlton is moving in this summer - right opposite a distinctly un-chic burger bar.

Showing your serious side
at the Miami City Ballet, which has relocated north to a three-tiered swathe of white royal icing, and in the major exhibition spaces of the Bass Museum of Art behind the Miami Beach Library between 21st and Collins Avenue.

Living south of 5th,
where you can't buy anything decent for less than $250,000. Luckily, Rupert "the residentî Everett doesn't have a problem with that.

Eating stone crabs
from Joe's, Florida's most famous seafood restaurant. Choose select or large (not jumbo or medium) and don't eat in - order from the takeaway and have friends over.

Ordering Asian fusion
at Bambu, the restaurant Cameron Diaz opened last year (Bruce Weber showed up). Or opt for a dinner dance - we're talking South Beach-style - at Rumi on Lincoln Road (before it's completely overrun by tourists. Better be quick, though) and work off the jerk pork rillettes or escabeche of calamari, shrimp and mahi-mahi. Or, point your yellow taxi south down Collins to 2nd for sushi at Opium restaurant and club.

Alternatives in the same locale are: a mojito and a cigar at Café Tabac, pasta and a glimpse of Mr Everett at Joia. The rubbernecking is, unfortunately, inevitable.

Getting an e-mail invitation
on Friday to the Travelling Tuesdays, a private weekly party. Anyone can go - you just have to know.

Picking the right bit of beach.
Even if your hotel is a block or two back from Ocean Drive, as is art deco landmark the Kent, they'll give you beach towels to take off the premises and tell you on which bit to sit - European beach (eg, girls go topless) between 14th and 15th, and everyone down at 2nd at weekends so you can swap sea breeze for Sea Breezes when you slide into Nikki Beach Club.

Showing up for the Sunday beach party
once you have topped up your tan and the sun is beginning to sink. Nikki Beach is a Miami-style re-creation of Côte d'Azur clubs - so clock cabañas, palms and tepees as you sashay across its enclosed sandy acreage to one of seven bars.

Buying up
Base's strappy crushed-silk bias dress with hand-beaded deep V neckline and matching "skinny" shirt, lacquer ware and CDs from a recommended playlist. Co-owners of the Lincoln Road shop, Bruce Cannella and Steven Giles, are launching on-line shopping at www.baseworld.com.

Drinking martinis
on a Saturday night at the Marlin bar in the eponymous hotel, which also houses Elite model agency on the first floor and a recording studio, so you could bump into Mick Jagger - if you're not lucky.

Appointing Barbara Hulanicki,
émigré designer, to restyle your house/hotel - like Gloria Estefan and the Island Outpost hotel group have.

Way to go

Sally Shalam flew to Miami with British Airways (0845 7733377) which currently has returns from £260. She stayed at the Kent (doubles £115 per night b&b) and The Tides (from £420 room only). Reservations through Island Outpost (020 7440 4360).

Destination guide: USA