Employing my best famous-footballer smile, I'm in - and confronted with two high- backed cream thrones, which beg the arrival of Posh and Becks. Built into a single arch, the linen drapes, autumnal hues and wooden bars are warm and welcoming. Up on the mezzanine, the DJ provides a deep, soulful mix of R 'n' B groove for a sea of bouncing, jaffa- tanned cleavages belonging to real- life Chardonnays looking for their night in a shiny Porsche.