Super Party me!

Forget mince pies, Santa Claus and late-night shopping, the best thing about December is the torrent of wonderful parties. The reality of Christmas isn't singing carols around a log fire, it is unremitting drinking, eating and socialising at parties galore, which leaves people feeling bloated, hungover and exhausted even before roast dinner on Christmas Day.

Festive parties are an annual opportunity for guilt-free over-indulgence, legitimate late nights and unrestrained revelry, but is there such a thing as excessive partying? Everyone gets invited to at least one party in December, but what happens if you accept every invite?

Last week - the busiest time of the year for parties - I went out every night to find out how I'd survive a whole week of champagne and canapés. I kept a diary of everything I ate and drank, how much sleep I got, which celebrities I spotted and how many telephone numbers I was given by lusty sorts.

At the end of the week a nutritionist assessed how many calories and alcohol units I consumed and the effect on my health. The results are astonishing...

MONDAY, 12 DECEMBER

Party: Brown's Hotel reopening on Albemarle St, Mayfair
Hosts: Uber movers and shakers Sir Rocco Forte and his sister Olga Polizzi.
Drinks: Five glasses of Taittinger, two Brown's cocktails (Stoli Razberi and Aperol topped with champagne).
Food: Two mini beef Wellingtons, two plates of smoked salmon, two oysters, 16 marshmallows dipped in a white chocolate fountain, six canapés(Welsh rarebits, cocktail sausages and foie gras).
Guests: Lady Thatcher, Sir David Frost, Sir Roger Moore, Michael Howard MP, Daisy Donovan, Lord Lloyd-Webber, Nicky Haslam, Virginia Bottomley, Bruce Oldfield and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.
High point: Eating my first oyster; realising I'd invited my friend who works for the Labour Party to a Tory bash.
Low point: Trying to smoke a cigar, accidentally inhaling and having a coughing fit.
Quote of the evening: "You must meet the maitre d', although he'll only come up to your breasts. Lucky him." One peer starts a discussion about my breasts before realising he has accidentally called his wife's mobile and her answerphone has recorded the conversation.
Phone numbers: None - too distracted by the chocolate fountain.
Calorie count: 1,800.
Total alcohol units: 10.
Time to bed: 3am.
Hours of sleep: Four.

TUESDAY, 13 DECEMBER

Party: Variety Club Christmas Lunch at The Hilton, Park Lane
Drinks: three glasses of white wine.
Food: Asparagus salad, roast turkey, Christmas pudding with custard, two mince pies and coffee.
Guests: Sir Michael Caine, Tony Hatch (wrote the Neighbours theme tune, lucky me), Brenda Blethyn and lots of City types - everyone wearing paper hats (including me).

EVENING

Party: Capital FM Rock On! Xmas Party at The Trocadero, Piccadilly
Drinks: three glasses of Dom Perignon, three of white wine, two vodka and cranberry, two vodka and cokes.
Food: Smoked salmon terrine, roast lamb, Christmas pudding, strawberry
mousse, mince pie and coffee.
Celebs: Girls Aloud performing (miming), Richard Bacon, Kirsty Gallagher, Darius, Phil Tufnell, Richard Dunwoody.
Highlight: Sitting next to Chris Parker (Spencer from EastEnders); dancing with my friend for three hours.
Low point: Getting so excited by Girls Aloud that a waiter asked me whether I had won my ticket to attend.
Quote of the evening: "I've decided to come and sit here as I was really bored sitting with all the celebrities," Chris Parker moves into a spare seat on our table.
Phone numbers: Four - including a musician in the band performing and a bald banker who later tried to pull my friend.
Total calories: 3,990.
Total alcohol units: 13.
Time to bed: 4am.
Hours sleep: Three.

WEDNESDAY 14 DECEMBER

Party: Launch of Godiva Chocolatier boutique, St Christopher's Place
Drinks: Two glasses of Lanson champagne.
Food: Three champagne truffles, three strawberries dipped in white chocolate.
Celebs: None, but Father Christmas was doling out boxes of chocolates.

Party: Condé Nast Traveller Gold Party at M&C Saatchi, Golden Square
Host: editor Sarah Miller.
Drinks: Two gold martinis, one glass of white wine.
Food: Six canapés (sausages, seared tuna).
Celebs: Judith Chalmers, Nick Jones, Matthew Pinsent, Sebastian Conran, Ron Arad, Justine Cartwright, Janet Ellis, Nicholas Coleridge, plus Stephen and Kimberly Quinn continuing their reemergence on the London social scene.

Party: City Dinner at The Dorchester, Park Lane
Drinks: Two glasses of champagne, three of white wine.
Food: Crab and smoked salmon, rib-eye steak, mango fool with raspberry sorbet.
Guests: Rory Bremner and lots of CEOs, one of whom bid £68,000 in the auction for a convertible XK8 Jaguar signed by Sir Stirling Moss and Sir Jackie Stewart.
Highlight: Meeting Nick Jones, owner of Soho House.
Low point: Feeling sick on the way to the OK! magazine Christmas party and having to go home.
Quote of the evening: "You would much rather be at home than chatting to me, wouldn't you?" - Nick Jones.
Phone numbers: None - feeling too ill.
Total calories: 2,670.
Total alcohol units: 12.
Time to bed: 2am.
Hours sleep: Five.

THURSDAY 15 DECEMBER

Party: National Sporting Club lunch at the Café Royal, 68 Regent Street
Drinks: Two glasses of champagne, two of white wine.
Food: Bread roll, Parma ham and asparagus, ribeye, treacle tart and tea.
Guests: Sven-Goran Eriksson, who prompted a scrum when guests - mainly in suits - mobbed him for an autograph.

Party: Corporate party at M1nt, Sloane Street for The Kaizen Partnership
Drinks: Two glasses of champagne, one Cosmopolitan.
Food: Six canapés (teriyaki salmon,
Time to bed: 6am.
Hours sleep: Two.
Guests: Duncan Bannatyne (star of Dragon's Den) and Alistair Paton, (CEO of M1nt), potentially one of the most eligible men in London (27, handsome and a self-made millionaire) but unfortunately not amused by my ignorance of money matters.

Party: The NSPCC Cinderella Ball at The Savoy
Drinks: Two glasses of champagne, three glasses of white wine.
Food: Bread roll, lobster salad, venison, cheese soufflé, chocolate tart and crème caramel, mince pies, truffles, eight strawberries dipped in a chocolate fountain.
Guests: The only "celeb" was Steve Brookstein, who won The X Factor in 2004 and seemed strangely unembarrassed after performing his own single at the OK! party karaoke on Wednesday and telling guests to go and buy it.

Party: New magazine Masquerade Christmas Party at 10 Rooms, Piccadilly
Drinks: Two vodka lemonade, two cokes.
Food: One Krispy Kreme doughnut.
Guests: Reality-TV-tastic with loads of former Big Brother housemates including Brian Dowling, Orlaith McAllister, Michelle Bass and Nadia Almada, plus Calum Best, Darius and Lisa Scott Lee.
Highlight: Being persuaded by 20 men out on their Christmas office party to go to Chinawhite and drink more champagne.
Low point: Tottering around Soho for two hours in a tiny black dress trying to find a taxi and eventually getting the night bus at 5am.
Quote of the day: "You don't know who he is? But he's worth £150 million!" A partygoer at M1nt is shocked that I don't recognise Duncan Bannatyne, star of Dragon's Den and multimillionaire.
"Is it OK if I put my hand on your butt for the photo?" Steve Brookstein poses politely.
Phone numbers: Three - including professional rugby player and incredibly good-looking, but conceited, investment banker.
Total calories: 5,630.
Total alcohol units: 17.

FRIDAY 16 DECEMBER

Party: AvivA, members club below the Baglioni Hotel in Kensington
Drinks: Five cocktails, three glasses of water.
Food: None, thank goodness.
Guests: Naomi Campbell popped in to see Wyclef from The Fugees, and Princess Beatrice's chaperones were there earlier trying to persuade the owners to allow her in after she was refused entrance on Thursday night because she is under age.
Highlight: The amazing cocktails at AvivA, not having to eat anything.
Low point: Realising my body was about to give up and having to drink water.
Quote of the day: "You look blue" - my friend at 3am as I finally realise I might have overdone it.
Phone numbers: Three - including the sexy assistant manager of my fave restaurant.
Total calories: 1,800
Total alcohol units: 10
Time to bed: 4am.
Hours sleep: Four - woke up feeling sick.

IMPACT OF THE WEEK

Laura's verdict
I feel as if my body hates me - and I can't really blame it. In five days I have eaten twice the amount I need to, drunk as much alcohol as I should in a month and had only half the amount of sleep I usually have. I felt sick on Wednesday evening and from then onwards I was unable to concentrate, speak coherently or think properly - whether drunk or sober.

My skin became spotty, blotchy and haggard and no amount of make-up covered the large black bags under my eyes. By Friday I was so disorientated I paid my rent twice by mistake. I started being violently sick on Saturday morning and continued to do so for most of the day.

After two days "detoxing" - I was actually too poorly to eat or drink anything - my lower back remains painful, and the doctor says my kidneys are "very tender".

My skin is still hideous and there are lots of tiny red dots around my eyes from burst blood vessels. A big red blotch appeared on my right eyeball and still hasn't gone. I have stopped answering my mobile as random men keep calling and I have no idea who I gave my number to - and what on earth I was thinking when I did so.

It might be Christmas week but the last thing I want is another "roast dinner" - just writing the word <"dinner" makes me feel nauseous. I have vowed to become teetotal and detox for a long, long time - but no more than 11 months of course, as I'm already looking forward to next year's party season.

Nutritionist's verdict
"What an onslaught. Laura - like many of us at this time of year - has paid a very high price for the momentary enjoyment. It's no surprise she's been so ill, physically, mentally and that her skin is rebelling. Her body is screaming to get it all out. It's a good job she's not keeping this up, otherwise sales shopping would be essential to upsize her wardrobe and a detox would be a medical necessity. Going over the top is fine if it's occasional but such non-stop indulging is a disaster. It would have been a miracle if she'd stayed standing after that." Natalie Savona, nutritionist (www.nataliesavona.com)