Tradition has it that United lose

13 April 2012

God knows why anybody still trots out the ancient knee-jerk phrase " traditional curtain-raiser'' to describe the FA Charity Shield. What with Champions' League qualifying and Far East tours busying yesterday's protagonists long before they met at the Millennium Stadium, not to mention the Scottish season into its second month and the Dorothy and Toto Cup beginning soon after the January sales, football's leading players are well into the first act of the season's drama by the time the alleged curtain rises these days.

But of course, thanks to the official miracle of the Millennium Stadium roof, this match could take place at any time of year without fear of what the weather might throw at it, it says here. Discuss.

This was the first ever domestic club match played under cover, yet it was difficult to gaze upon the permanent disaster zone called the pitch with any admiration. Long before kick-off it resembled The Stoop in mid-February. Not much point in having a roof if you wait until the damage is done before closing it.

Ah well, all in a good cause. After all, the Charity Shield has raised £6.6 million for those in need. Pretty good, until you consider that figure refers to the total raised since 1974. The entire sum accumulated over 27 years would buy a limb-and-a-bit of Ruud van Nistelrooy, or 450 whole Phil Nevilles.

Yet what is this match, exactly? For those permitted to beat Manchester United - in yesterday's case Liverpool - it is obviously a valuable trophy to which all players aspire their entire lives.

To United, it is neither a real match nor a friendly. It has its own unique status - a sort of unfriendly.

And when unfriendly is the name of the game, then Roy Keane is your man. He maintained a tradition of his own by scything down Danny Murphy in record time, even by his own impressive standards of aggro. Referee Andy D'Urso fearlessly pointed to the spot. Waddaguy.

In that moment, D'Urso made it clear he was not a man to be messed with.

Mind you, it subsequently transpired that if you wanted to commit Incredibly Obvious Handball, you could mess with D'Urso more than a messy person on Messy Day on the Planet Messy, especially if you were Stephane Henchoz in the United penalty area. But we didn't know that on 42 seconds when D'Urso gave a penalty and Gary McAllister duly converted it.

Of course, Keane and D'Urso are old chums. In no time at all, Keane was renewing their acquaintance in familiar jabbing-finger fashion. After 16 minutes Keane must have felt more delighted than ever when his side went two behind. Jaap Stam slipped on the edge of the area, leaving Michael Owen with only Gary Neville to outwit.

Matters never looked better for Liverpool than in that 16th minute. The meaningful story of this meaningless game came not in its scoreline - 2-1 after Van Nistelrooy's 50th minute strike - but in United's stylish domination of the second half. The prospect of what Juan Veron might bring to the party once he is returned from international duty is fairly terrifying.

" Now I'm really worried,'' announced Gerrard Houllier, deploying his instinctive gift for side-splitting humour in the light of United's latest Charity Shield defeat. "The signs are not good.'' He was right, and he didn't even know it.

Alex Ferguson was at least spared his 4,000th question of the week on the subject of his last season in charge before he takes up his new role upstairs as official spectre at the feast. Instead he came out with some nonsense about "feeling sorry'' for D'Urso because "nerves got to him''. Does he think up this stuff himself, or does someone write it for him?

So the traditional curtain-raiser had its curtain raised in traditional fashion. The only non-traditional feature was David Beckham's weird new white footwear which make him look like he had forgotten to put his boots on. But there was some traditional intrigue about Robbie Fowler's absence and Andy Cole's future.

Then the United fans embarked on their traditional traffic-clogged five-hour drive back to the Home Counties, giving them plenty of time to contemplate maintaining their happiest tradition, of losing the Charity Shield and winning the Premiership, again.

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