Sporting Miscellanies

Phil Tufnell has recorded an official Ashes song. Ordinarily, this would be one of those events to file under 'Must Have Seemed A Good Idea At The Time', except we're struggling to think of any circumstances under which asking 'Tuffers' to sing a cricket-themed ditty to the tune of Rolf Harris's 'Two Little Boys' could smack of anything other than lunacy.

The biggest letdown, though, is the sledging, which is as weak as a can of Castlemaine. "We're the land of plenty, not a desert in the sea" is one of Tufnell's more barbed remarks, together with a line which seems to accuse Ricky Ponting's men of enjoying secret liaisons with drag queens. "Andy's Army love their women, not something in between!" he bellows, although Tufnell's Alpha-Male posturing is about as convincing as Kevin Pietersen in self-effacing mode.

Still, it's all for charity, so get downloading from iTunes before the server crashes.

Sky run into a major problem with Monty

Memo to Sky Sports: must try harder with programme titles. Nestling after coverage of England's World Twenty20 exit to West Indies on Monday was a preview for the upcoming US Open, with Sky excitedly pointing out in the blurb that one of the big-name contributors was Colin Montgomerie.

The show's title was Overcoming the majors'. Anyone else see a problem with that?

Lord's-a-leaping over actor's performance

Say what you like about Lord's, but at least the Home Of Cricket (TM) is universal in its contempt for the paying public. Not even minor celebrities escape the lash of the stewards' tongue, as actor Damian Lewis discovered during the recent Pakistan-Sri Lanka Twenty20 tussle. Finding himself wedged into the middle of the front row of the grandstand, Lewis provoked the ire of the authorities by regularly leaping over the advertising hoardings and escaping to the concourses via an area reserved for photographers. When confronted, the Band Of Brothers star apparently claimed, rather bafflingly, that his regular trips were "due to a hernia injury". The unimpressed stewards duly warned Lewis that further transgressions would result in ejection — more bad news for the ginger thesp, on the back of the cancellation of his American TV show, Life.

Transfer talk can't drive Hull chief to distraction

We have a new contender for the title of Mr Loophole' — Hull chairman Paul Duffen, who escaped a six-month driving ban this week despite clocking up 12 points on his licence. The defence's case rested on Duffen claiming he needed to drive himself around the country as he could not discuss delicate transfer information in
the presence of his chauffeurs. Still, the fact that Duffen's last indiscretion came in December at least proves that one Tiger was accumulating points beyond October last season.