How to beat the Aussies when all else fails

An e-mail doing the rounds at the moment spells out new rules for the Ashes, including Adam Gilchrist agreeing to six-and-out (and going to fetch the ball himself) and no lbws for English batsmen. This is the way forward.

So in the interests of international cooperation, promoting cricket, and giving matches a chance to go into the fourth day, here are some more suggestions for beating the seemingly unbeatable Australians.

Hire Suzie: The 1995 Rugby World Cup in South Africa had New Zealand written all over it, until the final against the hosts that is, when the Kiwis suddenly played like palsied old men. In the aftermath, a variety of explanations were put forward, but the favourite was the mysterious Suzie - a chamber maid in the New Zealanders' hotel who was alleged to have slipped something devastating into the All Blacks' food or drink. Suzie would be ideal for the task of stopping Australia.

Hire Hansie Cronje's legal team, and put Jonny Cochrane in charge: The disgraced former South African captain may be allowed back into the game, so if you got help from his team and OJ's lawyer Cochrane, perhaps the results of the first two Tests of this series would be reversed on appeal, and the Third Test awarded to England as punitive damages.

Implement a moustache rule: Aussie cricketers tended to all look like broken sofas but not any more, so introduce a rule insisting the team can only take the field if at least three men are wearing full Zapatas. With the Third Test on the horizon, they will be forced to recall David Boon and Merv Hughes, currently in the country as a tour leader and mobile sightscreen, and probably Dennis Lillee. On second thoughts, of course, that might not work. Lillee would still take wickets.

Bring in new blood: Drop Dominic Cork and play Alex Tudor. Drop Ian Ward and play Owais Shah. Drop Alec Stewart... No, I'm sorry. That would just be too silly for words. Don't know what I was thinking, really.