Football Notebook

Just like some dogs are said to grow to resemble their masters, so there has been a strange development at the Football Association. Notebook has learned of a change in appearance involving the FA's master of realpolitik David Davies.

We all have times when we need to find an excuse to get out of unwanted situations. "I'm so sorry, dear, I'd love to go on a camping trip to Bognor with you and the in-laws but I'm..." As a public service, Notebook is hereby alerting everyone to a 1987 classic film called Mio In the Land of the Faraway on Thursday 29 March at 1.15pm on Sky Premier. This little-known "fairytale" about a lonely child stars Christopher Lee and Susannah York.
Why would you need to see this movie? Just in case anyone is rancid enough to invite you to An Audience with Ron Atkinson and Gary Newbon, which is taking place at the same time at the Cafe Royal. When they suggest this ego fest, you can reply: "I'd love to but there's a film I just have to see."
Meanwhile, Fat Ron's motivational skills were highlighted by Wycombe assistant Terry Gibson, who was signed for Manchester United by Atkinson in January 1986. Gibson recalled: "He asked me, 'What's your main asset, kid?' I replied, 'My pace.' He said, 'Well, run over there and make me a cup of tea.' He never gave me a chance from day one."

When the much-travelled Stan Collymore joined Spanish side Real Oviedo in February, he said: "I think I can live a quiet life here in Oviedo." And so he did, for a month.
Incidentally, there was a Lancashire comedian famous in the Forties called Ken Platt (who sounds as though he was a bit like "Eh, where's me washboard Arthur Atkinson" out of the Fast Show).
Platt had two catchphrases. One was: "I'm as daft as brush," which was the phrase associated with Gazza. Platt's other side-splitter was: "I'll not take me coat off - I'm not stopping." Step forward our Stanley.

Reports of Ken Bates's "special" relationship with former sports minister and devoted Chelsea fan Tony Banks are much exaggerated.
Although some have blamed the Wembley fiasco on Banksy's eagerness to curry favour with the chairman of the beard, it turns out their friendship is actually far more prosaic. "I find Ken Bates an awkward bedfellow," he told members of the parliamentary select committee for culture, media and sport last week, before adding quickly: "Not in a sexual sense, you understand."
Visibly shocked at the horrifying image which had suddenly entered the minds of all those present, the very prim and proper Clare Ward MP, said: "I don't think we want to go down that route."
"Neither would I," replied Mr Banks quick as a flash. Good to see all that time spent with the pigeons has done little to harm his well-known wit.

It's so nice of northerners to take an interest in London when they come down to the capital, but perhaps a little word to the wise for Blackburn fans. When Arsenal fans chanted: "You might as well go home," to the Rovers fans as the third goal went in (a chant which Ian Wright gleefully joined in with as he leaned over the balcony of one of the Highbury executive boxes) the Rovers supporters hit back by singing: "You're just a small town in Tottenham."
Perhaps someone will be kind enough to loan them an A-Z next time they wish to chant about their capital city. Even more odd was the chant from Norwich fans as their team slipped to another defeat at Watford. "We shoot burglars," they sang.

Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan must have been an impressionable teenager when Michael Douglas was strutting his stuff as Gordon 'Greed is Good' Gekko in Wall Street in 1987. Notebook mentions this only because Jordan, now 32, talks quite a bit about money in April's Loaded magazine.
Jordan proclaims: "The most important thing in life is to know the value of money."
Ah, "what about love?", I hear some of you bleeding heart romantics cry.
Jordan has no time for it. He goes on to say: "I'm single but with the best will in the world, I prefer the company of men. I go to boxing quite a lot, in Las Vegas and New York, and there's nothing like sitting on a bar stool bull-shitting with your mates. So I don't really give women a chance. I don't see any reason for being in a relationship right now."
All men have needs, though, and Jordan still has a role for his private parts. He adds sweetly: "I've put my cock on the block for Palace."
Well, that's a relief.