Bumbling Berti trembles before Iceland

"Yes, Iceland are favourites,'' he reiterated cheerily on departure.

"This squad is not stronger than the one which went to the Faroes and played badly. I cannot make a major difference this week. I see nothing different in our build-up this time from last time."

Curiously - or appropriately, depending on your point of view - the Scots selected the home of Second Division Dumbarton, the clunkingly named Strathclyde Homes Stadium, for their three-day domestic build-up to the match this week.

In the old days the ground was called Boghead, which is approximately where Vogts finds himself at the moment - up to his neck in mud. Five defeats from his six games in charge make the draw against the Faroes the very zenith of achievement so far.

"Berti's all right actually," said the taxi driver to Dumbarton from Glasgow Airport. "I had him in my cab once. I had trouble not laughing when his mobile phone rang. The ringtone was Scotland The Brave."

The McGerman himself was uncharacteristically late for his last press conference before departure for Iceland. A rustle of anticipation passed visibly through the room. "Perhaps he's been sacked?" ventured one correspondent hopefully, moments before Vogts appeared.

The German's press conferences have a style all their own. He leans back in his chair and murmurs quietly to himself, while reporters crane forward from a range of three feet in an effort to pick up the occasional syllable. Even then, deciphering the spoken word can be a bit of a job.

At times Vogts's English is like his squad. It needs work. "We nid ballank," he said emphatically at one point, banging the table. Unfortunately for Vogts, all too many observers believe this "balance" (the word he was after) would be best brought about by his instantaneous resignation. In anticipation of the same, the German media are off to Reykjavik in unusually large numbers. Yet Scotland is divided on its likelihood, even in the event of Icelandic ignominy.

Some think that even if the Faroes had put away their chance of a third goal before Scotland were on the scoresheet last month, surely sealing a horrifying defeat, Vogts would still have refused to fall on his sword.

Politics in the Scottish FA have a lot to do with it. Certain unpopular individuals were more instrumental than others in Vogts's appointment, and their position would be untenable were the German to go.

Besides, Vogts's lawyer is the famously eagle-eyed Andy Gross, based in Switzerland. As architect of his four-year contract - reportedly worth £1 million a year - he is said to have constructed a document so watertight as to be unsinkable. Vogts may be at the helm of the good ship Scotland for some time, and some have already hurled themselves overboard rather than sail on with him.

Everton's David Weir and West Ham's Christian Dailly were publicly slated by Vogts after the Faroes debacle. Weir, capped 37 times, was particularly unimpressed, and has made himself unavailable for selection "for the foreseeable future" ... for which read until Vogts is out of the picture.

It would have gone unnoticed if this were the Scotland of Souness, Hansen and Dalglish, or Bremner, Jordan and Law. But many of the present squad are scarcely household names in their own households. As one Scottish columnist put it, fans struggle to distinguish half the squad from their local milkman.

In such company the 19-year-old Motherwell forward Jamie McFadden - or "cheeky boy" as Vogts beamingly refers to him - has been hailed as a star in the making. Whether that turns out to be a precursor to yet more humiliation remains to be seen.

Iceland v Scotland

Reykjavik, tomorrow, 3pm