Why we're scared of HD TV

There is some hope if you appear in the studio, as there is an amazing gang of make-up artists whose stock in trade is sows' ears and silk purses. Or in their case, huge bags under the eyes and Touche Eclat.

The little make-up rooms are the one bit of the BBC where you can be guaranteed a bit of TLC. In my early days of presenting, the make-up team was brilliant at calming my nerves.

They do the same thing for jittery guests. So I have high hopes that they can see us all through this difficult period.

One make-up lady I know is already preparing for HD. She is a battlehardened make-up veteran who recalls incidents such as the day one news diva (not BBC) demanded that she rip the heated curlers from another newsreader's head. 'Get those curlers out of that woman's hair!' she shrieked.

My friend is now the proud owner of a strange new machine that looks as if it would be more at home in a garage than a boudoir. But rather than bodywork, it spray-paints faces.

I am rather wary of these machines, having once been spray-painted on a shoot for a book programme in Dublin.

The foundation created a plastic mask type effect and when blusher was welded on, I looked like a Dutch doll. However, airbrushing is the future and can apparently create a flawless finish - but without Go Faster stripes.

Anyway, all this high-tech stuff works only when you're in the studio. A lot of my job involves live reporting on location - mainly on College Green at Westminster and Downing Street, when I have to fall back on my own rather hopeless make-up skills and brave the elements at the same time.

If you watched the General Election results programme, you'll remember that I was the one in the red coat and the Force Nine Gale standing on a platform outside the Blairs' house in Sedgefield.

Kearney's law is that the worse the weather is the longer they'll make you broadcast.

There's one last possibility - a special filter on the lens. There's always gossip going round about certain presenters who demand a magic filter in their contract.

I've even heard rumours that some satellite channels have a 'Five Years Younger' button that puts the presenter into soft focus.

We are about to move into a new studio set on Newsnight. Maybe I can persuade the editor that soft focus is the new black.

You'll know I've been successful if politicians on Newsnight look as though they've been dipping into the Botox.

My only consolation in all this is that television viewers aren't superficial. They won't pay any attention to minor blemishes that may appear with hi-definition.

I mean, you'll be far more interested in what I have to say about differential turnout in key wards in the Metropolitan districts in the council elections . . . won't you?