The Big Brother freak show

When I was a teenager, I once took my then girlfriend, Diana Dors, to a fairground freak show. We paid sixpence to watch Sealetta, the armless sealwoman, knitting with her feet.

It was deeply embarrassing and I have never forgotten it. Half a century later, gawping at unfortunates has now resurfaced in a new form. It is called Big Brother.

This year, BB5 has been specifically designed as a human zoo full of flawed inmates. Almost all of them represent a vulnerable form of an extreme mental attitude. And BB researchers have chosen these extremes so that they will collide horribly with one another.

Among the cast is Explosive Emma, the token hothead, who is outraged to be called "this year's Jade"; Mincing Marco, the token pansy - the kind of man who gives gays a bad name; Naughty Nadia, the token transsexual, whose laugh can strip paint at 1,000 metres; Jawbone Jay, the token muscleman, an exhibitionist who claims to have won a bestbuttocks competition in Scotland.

Then there's Sleepy Stuart, the token Narcissus, who likes to wash his hair four times a day; Minxy Michelle, the token Page 3 wannabe who can't wait for exposure; Cantankerous Kitten, the token lesbian, who was the first to be evicted; Asylum Ahmed, the token Muslim, with a huge chip on his shoulder and a prayer mat with a built-in Mecca compass; Devious Dan, the token diplomatic crimper, who says he likes to seduce straight men,

Finally come Sensitive Shell, the token posh, who is literally sickened by her housemates' violence; Vigorous Vanessa, the token Amazon, who hates weakness; and Vainglorious Victor, the token black who, with a straight face, said that DNA stands for "Dis Negro's Attractive".

Put this lot together and what is known in television as the old S&V (sex and violence) is virtually guaranteed. It started with the sex. First, Michelle made a beeline for cautious Stuart.

She has become intensely possessive and has hardly let him out of her sight, even encouraging him to "squeeze my baps" under the duvet. Then Jay bore down on hockey-captain Vanessa and indulged in endless caressing and heavy breathing before being told to control himself. Frustrations all round, but with a ratingsfriendly promise of greater groping in the weeks ahead.

Next it was the violence, with rows breaking out all over the place. The whole house was awash with adrenaline and thoughts of sexual dalliance were banished.

The violence was served up in three ways. There was the Gender War: peppered liberally with fourletter words between over-masculine Jay and squealing, limpwristed Marco.

Then there was the Class War between "I-used-to-have-a-maid" Vanessa and the lipgloss babes who enjoy messy, screaming food-fighting. And finally the Race War. This was the big one, with Emma and Victor almost coming to blows. Victor spat in Emma's face; she screamed: "I'll f***ing kill you."

At this point the producers panicked and took the show off the air for an hour, while Emma was removed, still screeching at Victor. At one point she made the sinister comment that "when he goes out of here, my family will be on him like a pack of wolves". No wonder the police are investigating and the producers are '" helping with their enquiries".