The A-Z of I'm a Celebrity

11 April 2012

A is for Ant 'n' Dec, the show's Geordie, Honey-I-Shrank-the-Presenter-sized hosts,who have remained impossible to tell apart, ever since they played PJ and Duncan in Byker Grove. Recently voted the adults with whom most teens would share their problems and the stars most women want to sit next to on a long-haul flight.

B is for Bush Tucker Trial, the daily endurance test voted for by viewers in which contestants are forced to eat grubs and are ritually humiliated (hooray). Contestants don't know whether to fear being chosen (because the public hates them), or being left out (because the public couldn't care less).

C is for Charity, to which some of the proceeds go, and the reason all contestants give for appearing. They can raise up to £400,000 for their chosen cause.

D is for Diana, the late princess, about whom her butler Paul Burrell, will surely go on and on. Burrell will be this series's Jennie Bond. Odds: 8/1

E is for E17, Emma B and ecstasy - the band,the babe and the erstwhile drug of choice of diminutive contestant Brian Harvey. He was originally to have appeared on I'm A Celebrity with Emma B - until they split, thus thwarting the possibility of sexual shenanigans on camera. Known for his hot temper, he may enjoy a short but explosive tenure. Odds: 10/1

F is for Fire, the focus of camp life and source of many arguments, which requires endless woodgathering expeditions to keep alight. Tony Blackburn turned his quest for kindling into an ongoing disquisition about the meaning of life.

G is for Gossard, the bras modelled by arm-candy Sophie Anderton in the performance high of her cocaine-addled career. She has demanded that her therapist join her in the jungle to ensure she stays clean of drugs. She claims to have been alcohol-free for the past six weeks but "had a slight cock-up in September". Odds: 8/1

H is for Huggy Bear, aka camp actor Antonio Fargas, who will surely rehearse endless yarns about his glory days on Seventies show Starsky and Hutch. He claims to have never heard of his fellow celebs, but then, no one has heard from him in the past 30 years. Odds: 9/2

I is for Insania, the term invented by dim-witted warbler Peter Andre, to describe his courtship of Jordan, which by chance sums up the show.

J is for Jungle, the phoney rainforest setting for a show actually shot in Queensland woods, near towns and tourist resorts, not way beyond the bounds of civilisation. Viewers don't see the fake fibreglass rocks that house the cameras.

K is for Killing - a financial one, that is. Cashing in on the show, as did (notably) former contestant Linda Barker, who has been flogging tacky sofas and cheap electronics ever since. Other beneficiaries have been Tony Blackburn, Johnny Rotten, cricketer Phil Tufnell and ex-jailbird Lord Brocket - a distinguished list.

L is for Lapdancer, as in Nancy Sorrell, alias Mrs Vic Reeves, this season's Jordan-esque strumpet with a heart of gold, who says that what she will miss most over the two weeks is sex - she calls it "how's your father" - with her comedian husband. As soon as it's over, she says they will be heading straight for the hotel. Odds: 10/1

M is for Mud, literal and metaphorical ... contestants soggy from tropical downpours slagging each other off. Janet Street-Porter is already slinging mud. "Has Sophie Anderton read any books?" she asks.

O is for Ordure, a central preoccupation of contestants struggling with their bowels and the effect of a rice-and-beans diet. Also, what many of them talk most of the time.

P is for Pasquale (Joe), an alleged comedian, whose squeaky voice may endear him to housewives. Typical joke: "If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel". BBC TV admits he is "an acquired taste". Odds: 7/2

N is for Natalie, 31, the Appleton who isn't Nicole, didn't marry a Gallagher, but is making one last, desperate bid for fame. At least she has her husband Liam Howlett's Prodigy royalties to fall back on. Odds: 6/1

Q is for Queue, which forms outside the Bush Telegraph TV link as the celebs line up to whine about the conditions and how they are missing their bay-bees. With children aged 12 and nine months, Nat Appleton will be this year's misty-eyed mum.

R is for Rat, as in rodent-infestation of the camp, and also love-rat club-owner Fran Cosgrove, who dumped Atomic Kitten Natasha Hamilton five months after she had their baby. Once a bouncer for Westlife, he wants us to know that he is really a nice guy. This is his chance to prove it.

S is for Spiders, Snakes and other creepy-crawlies, including crocs (albeit with their jaws wired shut), which the celebs must confront on a gratifyingly regular basis.

T is for Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, 32, the Sloane Ranger, recovering addict and former contestant, now fronting ITV2's jungle coverage. She is already sharpening her knives for Sophie Anderton, who once pinched her boyfriend, million-heir Robert Hanson. Neither girl has got over it. He has.

U is for Undressed, a state that the show's token totties must quickly achieve in order to secure the all-important male vote. Jordan's scantily-clad appearance on the last series is the benchmark. Expect Nancy, Sophie and Nat to get their kit off pronto. Odds: 14/1

V is for Venom, sadly removed from the spiders and snakes, but not from contestants. Witness the scatological rant of John Lydon last time.

W is for When Will I See You Again?, the hit song of former Three Degrees singer and friend-of-Prince-Charles Sheila Ferguson. Expect fierce competition between her and Burrell over who knows the royals best.

X is for XXXX, which is what most of us wouldn't give about any of these publicitycrazed celebs if they weren't stuck in the jungle and on telly.

Y is for Yoof - what bunny-toothed Janet Street-Porter used to flog as an executive on TV, long after she herself had lost it. This former newspaper editor has said of her male contestants on the show: "I'd rather sleep with a cockroach than that lot." But then she once described the show on which she's about to appear as "brain-rotting". Odds: 10/1.

Z is for Zzzzz - what exhausted, uncomfortable contestants, as well as some viewers, long for: a decent night's sleep.

I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! is on ITV1 on Sunday at 9pm

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The A-Z of I'm a Celebrity

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