Fling or Ring? Bruce and Lindsay

AKA: The new teen queen, and by some very Mean Girls — 'Hohan'

Years racked up: 18

Known for?: Being the flame-haired, probably-surgically-enhanced sexy teen star of Hollywood, causing much tabloid ruckuses recently with her penchant for partying and suffering from spurious 'illnesses' on the set of her films, having a freakoid crazy father who keeps trying to sue/kill/make a reality show with her.

Is involved in a love thing with...

Who? Bruce Willis

AKA: 'Bruno'. Heh heh.

Years racked up: Almost 50. As Summer would say — Ewww!

Known for?: Being the prematurely baldy housewives' choice in 80's spar-com Moonlighting, making the transition to blow-em-up action blockbusters with Die Hard, marrying and divorcing scary-ass Demi Moore and getting over his ‘heartbreak’ by dating a series of buxom babes.

Romance rocketed when: We can barely hold down the bile to write this...but apparently, Brucie and Linds indulged in a 'gropefest' after the premiere of his latest movie, Hostage, in New York. They then reportedly went upstairs to his suite. Feeling...very...sick...now.

Make or break: Immediately, we should think. Lindsay's 'advisors' are hardly going to be jumping for joy at this latest tabloid-friendly disastrous news, and her rep has already denied the liaison. "She is not interested in Bruce Willis in any way but as the producer of her next film [Just My Luck]," she sniffed.

Soppy speak: Nowt to report. We can well imagine Bruce's seduction technique though, but we don't want to bring up our breakfast.

Biz Bitch says: We don't want to even think of the costly therapy Bruce and Demi's kids are going to have to indulge in, now both Mom and Pops are squiring squeezes the same age as them around town. OK, so Demi and Ashton is mildly acceptable, but Bruce is, there's no way of saying this nicely, turning into a Dirty Old Man. Lindsay, deal with your Daddy issues in private, please, love.