Trials of a house hunter

I am feeling disillusioned and grumpy. Earlier this week I was seething, after traipsing round another batch of potentially "genius" spaces and being subjected to umpteen exaggerations about the delightful (read rat hole), spacious (read tiny), bright (are there any more lights we can put on?) and quiet places (is that Concorde landing on the roof ?).

The classic moment of the week came when we were looking around a ridiculously overpriced "penthouse" (attic) in Kensington when we chanced upon the "dining room". There was a 10in-wide metal beam running bang through the middle of the room at about chest level. The agent, seeing the puzzled looks on our faces said jovially, "... Erm, yah, that beam is holding the walls up and cannot be removed. I think it's rather fun though, don't you?"

No, I didn't think it was fun or funny, particularly as the asking price was enormous. It was like trying to sell me an expensive suit and saying that, ingeniously, one sleeve was only elbow-length.

From a purchaser's standpoint as well as a vendor's, this moving malarky is full of contradictions, consequently making us into the worst type of hypocrites.

Let me explain. As a purchaser, the absurd and time-wasting claims made by agents (see above) make me mad.

As a vendor, however, I am quite happy for my own property to be described as a palace of light and space when the reality is that it is a Kensington basement with a lightwell acting as a chic urban garden.

(Incidentally, for any potential buyers, the steel squares filled with bamboo cost me a bloody fortune and are included in the sale price.)

Hypocrite or not, I do feel, however, that if the agent is going to earn around 2.5 per cent of the value of the property (a hefty amount on even an averagely priced London home), that he or she should be making a greater effort in terms of doing their homework about the places they represent.

Often the agent has no clue about the key selling points. Dull as it may seem, we want details about the lease, the communal areas, the service charge, planning permission etc. (I've never known an agent tell me honestly what a service charge is.)

One agent showing prospective buyers round my flat this week didn't know the price of it. I was appalled as the purchasers were left to wander aimlessly round the flat, tentatively opening doors to be surprised by a further bedroom or unexpected storage space. My partner was forced to go for a showdown with the agency manager to put our point across.