Diary of an estate agent

Arrived to find the answering machine blinking with eight messages from tenants with various "emergencies", ranging from no hot water or heating to the dishwasher "not cleaning properly". It would seem that Surrey was struck by a mysterious mass failure of appliances over the weekend.

Was working through the list in order of priority when the phone rang again. It was the thirty-something husband of a couple who had moved into a £1,500-a-month cottage, near Guildford, on Friday. The silk curtains in the sitting room, he announced, were creased.

The curtains had been cleaned in situ at the end of the last tenancy, but the couple were unimpressed. He demanded that the landlord have them dry-cleaned and supply temporary replacements.

Tuesday

Probably the heaviest rainfall for the past 10 years, and, while my garden will appreciate it, our properties with blocked gutters won't.

Met with three tenants who had kindly prepared lists of "major issues" that needed to be dealt with yesterday. While explaining to one that it might have been quicker to get out a screwdriver and mend the loo-roll holder himself, rather than wait for a repair man, I had a horrible flashback to an even more trivial complaint.

One landlord, a solicitor, was very keen to hold on to as much of his tenants' £5,000 deposit as possible. The list of alleged damages was long and exhaustive. However, I'd never had a landlord complain about tenants leaving a sick frog in the garden. How could he even prove that it was his frog?

Wednesday

Was feeling cheerful because it was a glorious sunny morning, when a less-than-charming ex-tenant rang, demanding his deposit. He had moved out yesterday and had still not received it.

I tried to explain that, as a stakeholder of the deposit, we had to follow a set procedure, which could take up to three weeks. We needed to have the property checked, wait for the report, assess the costs of any repairs, etc, but he was having none of it. He would come to pick up his cheque tomorrow.

Next a call from a newly-wed wife in a panic. The cooker had expired in the four-bedroom house they were renting in Esher, she was expecting the inlaws to dinner, what would I do about it? I asked her if she was familiar with the cooker instructions, and she assured me she was. So I drove over there to investigate. It transpired she'd accidentally switched it to timer, so I put it back to manual and left her to her date with Delia.

Thursday

Arrived to find Mr Angry waiting in the office for me. I explained the procedure again and reassured him that, as soon as we receive the checkout-report, we will be in touch. He couldn't quite grasp the concept of why we needed to have a check-out report carried out.