Diary of an estate agent

MONDAY

Received a number of offers on houses viewed over the weekend, so passed them on to the clients. Several were rejected immediately, thanks to the latest newspaper reports that house prices were rising faster than ever. Off to value an elderly lady's £800,000 period house near Chelmsford. Unfortunately, all the period charm had been surgically removed, but it did have an acre of lovely gardens and a tennis court.

There were floral displays all over the house, and in the garden room there were even more vases, so I asked her about her flower-arranging hobby. Oh, it's not a hobby, she assured me. The arrangements were all condolences on the death of her husband. Difficult to know what to say when you've put your foot in it so spectacularly.

TUESDAY

Have been working hard to tie up the sale of a £750,000 country house in six acres. The buyer has been dragging his feet, hoping for a lower price. It is very smart and was interior-designed by the owner's wife, but negotiations have been tortuous.

I'd arranged yet another appointment for the buyer. The wife was not at home, but the husband was. Becoming exasperated by the delays, he agreed to throw in the ride-on lawnmower and all the carpets and curtains (worth about £4,000 a pair).

Two hours later, received chastened call from owner, whose wife had returned to be told of the deal. She was livid. Not only had she made all the swags and curtains, they matched the bedspreads. She had no intention of leaving them behind. Could I save the situation?

WEDNESDAY

Drove out to value a country cottage, converted from two farmworkers' houses 20 years ago by the present owner. It took just 10 minutes to look round and assure her there would be no problem finding a buyer for such a lovely home.

It took another hour before I could get away, having discussed little else than her impending divorce - hence the sale - and her 60-year-old husband, who was trading her in for a new model 20 years his junior.

Got back to find my gaffe over the funeral flowers had not been catastrophic. We've got the instruction.

Meanwhile, I had to find a tactful way of suggesting to clients that it would be a good idea if they went out while I showed some buyers around their £325,000 property a few miles from the A12. They are a lovely couple, but painfully honest. They drag the viewers around, pointing out all the house's faults. They told the last lot you only hear the road noise when the wind is blowing from the east and that the 12ft beech hedge was no trouble at all if you set aside a bank holiday weekend to tackle the pruning.

THURDSDAY

Have just been instructed on a four-bedroom cottage in four acres near Sudbury, owned by a metal detector buff. He's unearthed so many ancient coins and artefacts - including a cloak clasp identified by the British Museum as Roman - that his field must have been the site of the earliest known chariot boot fair. The property is going on at £440,000, but who knows what it will yield in treasure?