Boasts, bores and breasts

What a difference an ostrich peck makes. Before he entered the jungle on Monday, Johnny Rotten had made himself instantly dislikable when he arrived late for the opening champagne reception, and then, in the jungle, compounded his bad manners by upsetting Diane with his spitting.

But after being voted for by viewers to do the second Bushtucker trial, he has become my favourite to win.

There was no grizzling as he was covered in bird seed and set loose in a pen of ostriches - he was probably grateful for any excuse to get away from Jennie Bond for half an hour. The best news is that Peter Andre, who has already managed to snuggle up to Jordan, has promised not to strip off; the worst, that Jordan still hasn't squeezed that zit at the corner of her nose.

It's fast catching up in size with her chest. Forget rice and beans; it's Clearasil she wants.

Greatest torture:

Jennie's voice. The death throes of strangulation could not grate more. I'd rather be eaten alive by the jungle's creepycrawlies. And who on earth wears full make-up in a rainforest?

Least tolerant celeb:

Jennie, to Johnny: 'Why do you have to blow your nose so much?'. You should try it, Jennie; it might dislodge those plums you're carrying in your mouth.

Closest bonding:

Alex and Diane, who chatted a lot about men. Diane's husband is, according to her, 'really thoughtful, loving, kind', and they have 'a fantastic relationship'. Cue silence from Alex and a belligerent: 'Aah, thass lovely.'

Alex believes that things will work out 'one way or t'other' with George. Are you mad, woman? You already know that 'one way' means a black eye; you can bet your bottom dollar that 't'other' will involve reconstructive surgery.

And talk about thin. Alex could hide behind a cocktail stick and they'd still need a search party to smoke her out.

Strangest party trick:

Johnny sticking a tampon up his nostril. No one knows why, but after the Bushtucker trial, you have to forgive him anything.

Greatest confessions part one:

Peter dated Mel B for nine months and managed to keep it from the Press. Probably because their respective egos were too wrapped up in themselves to face the world.