All human strife

The fifth series of Big Brother kicked off on Friday night, and not since The Muppet Show has there been so concerted an effort to gather so many mouthy exhibitionists under one roof.

After the boredom of series four, this time the programme-makers are taking no risks. A transsexual, a stud, a politically active lesbian ... all human life is here, but not necessarily as we know it. Or want to, come to that.

These are not housemates, they are circus acts, as their over-dramatic, embarrassing entries into the house revealed. Mancunian Emma mooned at the cameras, while lesbian 'Kitten' (please, somebody, put her in a weighted sack and throw her in the Thames) stuck two fingers up to the camera (Ooh! Political, or what?), angrily demanding to see her girlfriend Lianda.

When she found her, she gave her the kind of passionate snog that leaves the victim's face needing plastic surgery. I swear there were bits of nose stuck between Kitten's teeth.

Inside, Jason was wearing just a pair of tiny pants and a bow-tie, and before you knew it, Ahmed was naked in the hot tub. The trend to strip has caught on, and everyone clearly believes that less is more and the way to viewers' hearts.

With such big personalities - actually, attention-seekers is more accurate - the programme-makers know that this series will be anything but boring.

The opening show attracted seven million viewers - 15.5 per cent up on last year, but there are a lot of hurdles to climb over ten weeks, and there are only so many clothes you can take off. Already there are some you want to stay and others you want to slap. So, who are they?

Has already said that she will not take part in the nominations (why go on the show, then, if you don't like the format?). Witters on a lot about power/empowerment - all drivel. 'People with power don't give it up,' for example. Wow! How political is that. 'Maybe we've all got our different agendas,' she added. Golly, a philosopher, too. And worse, the kind of person who reads The Guardian on holiday.

He also fancies Michelle. Unlikely to pull at all, as he is emerging as the depressive of the group. He might need to turn to drink to cheer himself up.

Michelle has also had relationships with women, but she'd be well advised to stay away from Kitten, who, having nibbled half of her girlfriend's face, might be on the lookout for another big meal.

When I first saw her, I thought she all but had 'Trucker' tattooed on her forehead. She also claims to be a virgin. I'm not surprised - you'd need a climbing frame and crampons to stay balanced on top of that lot.