When should I invite my new man on holiday?

Sexperts: Nirpal and Esther answer those tricky questions

10 April 2012

They are candid, provocative - and totally at odds with each other. Our resident 'sexperts' Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther Walker offer conflicting advice on Londoners' sexual dilemmas...

ESTHER SAYS

Oh, it would all be so romantic, wouldn't it? You could say to people on your wedding day "... and if I hadn't followed my heart and asked him on that holiday with me, we would never have got together!"

Because that is why you want to ask him, isn't it? It would just be such a crackingly great story to tell. You barely knew each other but you took a chance on a gut feeling and ended up having the best time of your life!

Having a palatable how-we-met story is important to a lot of people. There are those who won't join internet dating agencies because they don't want to tell people they met online.

At the same time, the urge to have an impressive how-we-met story is just so bogus: it's the result of watching too many films and reading too many romance novels, both of which teach generations of women that, after a bit of trouble in Act II, we'll all live happily ever after in Act III.

We all want our big romantic finish — our midnight dash through the rain to a declaration of love in an airport — but the truth is that it doesn't happen like that.

You don't live in a film. This is not a book. This is real life. And in real life, any normal man would run a mile from a woman who asked him on a two-week holiday when they'd only just met.

You'd look absolutely desperate and mad — and not a little slutty, frankly.

The comfort every girl should take from The Rules (if you don't fancy following its advice to
the letter) is that, when it comes to starting relationships, you can simply relax and let men do all of the work — because that's what they like.

Boys are very nice and extremely simple. If they want you, they will come and get you. If they don't, they won't.

All you have to do is be nice and sound pleased when he calls. Not only does it work, it's less stress for you.

So go on your holiday and have a nice time and stop twisting yourself up in knots about whether to ask this guy or not.

If it all works out between you two, there'll be plenty of holidays in the future. For now, you'll just have to accept that this isn't going to be the way your story starts.

NIRPAL SAYS

Go for it. I'm a firm believer in getting through the introductory parts of a relationship as quickly as possible.

After all, what we regret the most when they break down is the time we wasted on them. So cut out the faffing that goes with playing it safe and "taking things slowly".

If you like him, let him know about it, and if he likes you too he'll be flattered by the offer.

The sooner you know how much real chemistry there is between you, the better. You can then move on to the next stage or get on with finding someone else.

Holidays are a great way of discovering how strong your "click" really is. While spending lots of time together you'll be exposed to one another's annoying habits and get a clearer picture of what the other person is like.

You could annoy the hell out of each other, or find yourselves bored with each other's company and checking out the other talent on the beach.

Or you could be having lots of fun, laughter and round-the-clock sex.

Either way, you'll know if your relationship has got potential or if it's heading for a brick wall.

But bear in mind that you might not want to use your holiday as an acid test for your love life and you might just want to relax instead — in which case, leave him behind.

After all, being away from him will tell you a lot about your own feelings. If he's on your mind all the time and you find yourselves spurning the other offers that inevitably arise while you're away, then you've got it bad.

If it's a case of "out of sight, out of mind" and you end up fooling around with some handsome stranger, then you know you might have got a bit too excited about him a bit too soon.

But the bottom line is, if you want to ask him along, then you should ask him.

I absolutely believe in putting your cards on the table because it saves so much time and effort in the long run.

If he goes cold at the idea of just going on holiday with you, then he's either a commitment-phobe or just not that into you. And if he likes the idea, you know he wants things to progress.

Go ahead, take the bull by the horns — there's nothing to lose except a lot of potentially wasted time and emotional ambiguity. And who wants those?

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