What age-gap is feasible in a relationship?

Sexperts: Nirpal and Esther answer those tricky questions

10 April 2012

They are candid, provocative - and totally at odds with each other. Our resident 'sexperts' Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther Walker offer conflicting advice on Londoners' sexual dilemmas...

Question:- I've just started seeing a much younger woman. What age gap — if any — is feasible in the long term?

ESTHER SAYS

Relationships in which the man is older than the woman make sense for all sorts of reasons.
Women mature faster than men.

They are often ready to move along a life stage — get a mortgage, get married, have kids — while men are still sticking posters to their bedroom walls and thinking seriously about getting a tattoo.

While a lot of same-age relationships work out fine, when trouble does come along, it is more often than not because she wants to get on with growing up while he hangs back, uncertain and not ready to be encumbered with all that responsibility just yet.

The younger woman/older man set-up does away with all that.

She doesn't have to wait, silently panicking about her fertility, until she and her partner are 35 and he finally feels "ready" to have children; he doesn't feel as if he missed out on anything, and his wild oats are pretty much sown.

But it can also be a disaster. A woman of 20 will have changed beyond recognition by the time she is 29.

You can pretty much guarantee that what a woman wants and expects from life will be completely transformed in that decade.

So, while there's that trite little calculation about the youngest partner you can have being half your age plus seven, the thing you really have to worry about is how old she is now.

If you are 35 and she is 22 then, yes, you ought to be concerned that she will change her mind. If, on the other hand, you are 45 and she is 28, the risk is lower. You get the idea.

Having said all that, it would obviously be insane to call time on your relationship just because your girlfriend might, at some point, change her mind about you.

If you get on fine and can agree, without anyone having to make huge sacrifices, on what you want from life, not that much can go wrong.

But if you genuinely suspect that she's not serious, there's only one way to know for sure: if things are still good after 18 months or two years, propose.

It's extreme, but it will work. The sight of a ring and the prospect of forever will sober her up pretty quickly. You'll either be happy ever after, or she'll see to it that things unravel before you've even set a date.

NIRPAL SAYS

Like any other significant difference between two people — such as their incomes, backgrounds or religions — an age gap doesn't make a long-term relationship impossible, but it does require both partners to be aware of the possible difficulties ahead and honestly discuss those issues, defusing them before they explode in your faces.

Pretending that your ages don't matter is a surefire way to reach a crisis point, as you inevitably grow in different directions and one day find yourselves with irreconcilable needs and expectations.

Relationships between people of different ages can be magical.

The openness, enthusiasm and lack of cynicism of the young is always appealing to those otherwise surrounded by people who are jaded and pessimistic by comparison; while an older person's experience, worldliness and assurance is often attractive to someone younger — especially if they're precocious and more intelligent and enquiring than their peers.

The sexual chemistry between the two can often be irresistible and too compelling to withstand, so no amount of rationalising will stop you getting the ball rolling in the first place.

It's where it ends up that you have to careful of.
The truth is, you'll physically become increasingly out of sync as time goes on.

You'll slow down and settle into yourself, while she'll want to do new things as she gains confidence. Your sex drive may fade but hers may rapidly increase in her thirties, as happens with many women.

Parenthood may be an issue: you may already have children and want no more, or you might want them immediately while you can still be an active father. Your room for manoeuvre on these issues is tighter than hers and you need to be decisive. Without being an Eeyore, it's your responsibility to be realistic.

Talking about this stuff will enable you to make plans, and by letting her know what might be in store you can deal with it together.

Any meaningful relationship is a risk, but you have to snatch whatever chances of happiness you get in life. Love, even if it's fleeting, is an experience no one should forgo.

The fact that you have your eyes open to the hazards of getting involved with someone younger but are prepared to brave them anyway proves that your feelings are genuine and that you have the guts to follow them. Just do your best — and good luck with it!

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