The difference between northern & southern weddings

There is always the danger, when comparing The North and The South, of succumbing to stereotype and cliché, even when examining something as universal as weddings.

That said, when Danny, my mate from back home in Leeds, got married, he and his wife unveiled a tiered wedding cake made entirely out of pork pie. Pork pie! Nobody complained. That’s the thing about stereotypes: sometimes they’re, um... totally true.

Consider the question of tightness. Southern weddings, tasteful and twee as they are, basically represent one-off tax bills for having friends. You suck up the cost of attending with a resigned, rigid smile. At Northern weddings, however, it is seen as completely legitimate to make sure your overall consumption — booze, food, cake, etc — far exceeds your overall expense. Fair’s fair.

This, in turn, can lead to higher levels of exuberance. I’m not saying that Southern weddings aren’t fun — I genuinely love drinking pink gin and elderflower tonic out of reclaimed jam jars — but there’s something about great-uncles mainlining Stella before the free bar closes that gives the dance floor a more hedonistic vibe. Speaking of which, you can expect to dance with more old people Up North, people who, even though you’ve no idea who they are, all claim to have known you as an infant, and will then prove it by loudly recalling embarrassing things you did as a child. I’m not sure why this is, but it’s inescapable. Be prepared for it.

Finally, speeches. Slight difference here. There is something particularly affecting about watching some gruff, flat-voweled father-of-the-bride shed a tear as he gives his child away. No confident, erudite self-deprecation here. Just hankies all-round and another slice of pie.