The alternative World Cup guide

Who's the hottest pundit, most badly behaved WAG and booziest barmy army of fans? Alex Clark on all you ever wanted to know about the World Cup but were afraid to ask

It’s hard to do justice in words to the Brazil team’s plane, so here’s a picture of it.

Alex Clark

13 June 2014

Tastiest clash

The tournament’s Group B opener tonight between Holland and Spain. Why? Because it’s a re-run of 2010’s final, which Spain won at the last gasp of extra time courtesy of an Andres Iniesta half-volley. Fans will remember the encounter’s record-breaking number of yellow cards (14) and its enthusiastic tackling, the pick of which was Nigel de Jong’s studs-up hiya to Xabi Alonso’s chest. Both are in Brazil. #REMATCH

Best beard

A late contender, here, in the shape of Spain’s Dani Carvajal, who was a perfectly normal beardy sort of guy until his team (Real Madrid) won the Champions League last month, whereupon he dyed his facewig a startling shade of blond. Whether this was a moment of madness or the shape of things to come remains to be seen, but we’re hoping it’s the latter.

Goal hanger

Hot favourite for this award is Argentina’s Sergio Agüero, who’s scored 21 times for his country and is nearing the 200-goal mark for Man City. Freshly returned from injury, he’s speedy, skilful and likely to be on explosive form with national team-mates Higuain and Messi. But however well he does, it’s unlikely to delight his former father-in-law, Diego Maradona, who branded him ‘a wimp’ when he split from his daughter Giannina having fathered a child, five-year-old Benjamin.

Most eye-popping team transport

It’s hard to do justice in words to the Brazil team’s plane, so here’s a picture of it. The striking design is the work of graffiti artists and twins Os Gêmeos, and it reportedly used 1,200 cans of spray paint. After which aerodynamic astonishment, the England team bus looks decidedly underwhelming.

Pick of the kits

Top marks to Cameroon, who’ve eschewed minimalism for a lion-themed green-and-gold number. Runners-up: Mexico, lovers of a natty lightning bolt, and cutting-edge Colombia, who unveil the first strip to incorporate a hashtag.

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Wag watch

England’s wives and girlfriends — Christine Bleakley, Coleen Rooney and Alex Curran among them — look like a calming influence compared to some of their global counterparts. Here are our top five rather less demure WAGs:

Shakira

Partner to Spain’s Gerard Piqué and the lungs behind the World Cup anthem ‘La La La (Brazil 2014)’. They met when he starred in the video for Shakira’s 2010 World Cup anthem ‘Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)’.

Daniella Semaan

Girlfriend of Spain’s Cesc Fabregas and 13 years his senior. Had an acrimonious divorce from millionaire businessman Elie Taktouk.

Irina Shayk

Russian supermodel dating Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo. She was weirdly relaxed about his fathering a son via a surrogate. Starred in Kanye West’s ‘Power’.

Yolanthe Sneijder-Cabau

Wife of the Netherlands’ Wesley Sneijder, who starred in the Dutch TV series Voetbalvrouwen — a kind of Footballers’ Wives

Fanny Neguesha

Model and on-off girlfriend of Italy’s Mario Balotelli, who briefly changed her Instagram status to ‘single’ after he was caught up in a scandal with a Playboy model.

Dream Final

It’s unpatriotic, sure, but for the sake of argument, we’re betting against England. In which case it can go either way. Dream scenario: Brazil v Argentina, with a Brazilian victory that unites the country and revivifies the tournament. Doomsday scenario: Brazil v Argentina, with an Argentinian victory that fails to deliver the above and reminds us all of Diego Maradona’s Hand of God. Either way, it’ll be a stunning line-up: David Luiz, Thiago Silva, Neymar versus Javier Mascherano, Sergio Agüero and Lionel Messi.

The battle of the sofas

ITV: Adrian Chiles and Arsenal heroes Ian Wright and Lee Dixon, with Latin spice from Gus Poyet, Gallic chic from Patrick Vieira and Italian style from Fabio Cannavaro. BBC: Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen — his final appearance as a pundit — but also va-va-voom merchant Thierry Henry, Robbie Savage and Rio Ferdinand.

Check that tatt

You can’t fault Sergio Ramos’ dedication: the Spanish and Real Madrid centre-back has a tattoo of the Champion’s League trophy on his left calf and the World Cup on his right. Admittedly, they look slightly out of proportion, but it can’t have been easy for the tattooist getting the desired effect on all that throbbing muscle.

And the fans go wild!

Almost as important as their team’s quest for glory is the competition to be the looniest fans. In strong contention this year are the boozy Belgians, who favour the ‘diabolica’ trumpet over the caxirola. And they’ve got a lot to parp about, with Premiership players Adnan Januzaj, Moussa Dembélé, Vincent Kompany, Eden Hazard and Chelsea striker Romelu Lukaku netting pivotal goals this season. But the superfan prize goes to the US, whose supporters have bought four times as many tickets as any other nation (England’s in third place).

Super Mario

The player we’re most looking forward to seeing is the one UK fans have missed the most: Italy’s Mario Balotelli, the camouflage Bentley driver with a fondness for setting off fireworks, both literally and metaphorically. AC Milan’s gain was Man City’s loss.

Mr Marvel

For names alone, it’s hard to get past Brazil’s Hulk, a talented and suitably muscly winger who has scored nine times for his country in the past two years.

The rest is noise

Forget your vuvuzela, the aural assault weapon of choice for Rio 2014 is the caxirola. Pronounced ‘cashi-rolla’, it’s a brightly coloured plastic affair invented for the World Cup and promptly banned by the authorities when fans started launching them pitchwards (they do rather resemble a hand grenade). However, a less aggressive version is on its way that allows spectators to create its signature hiss without posing a physical threat to the players.

The alternative World Cup guide

The alternative World Cup guide

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