The Joy of Staying In over the Christmas season

As a freelance writer, parties can be an important opportunity to network — and in the age of social media, a way of reminding editors you exist — or a depressing waste of time. When working out which is likely to be which, it always pays to remember the shortfall between the ideal party and the reality.

As a child growing up in the 1970s and 1980s in Somerset, with no internet and only occasional access to back copies of Cosmopolitan at the dentist, I conceived an idealised adult Christmas party in which Studio 54, the Chanel No5 television ad campaign and a celebrity-studded, champagne-fuelled Santa’s grotto rolled into one.

At media parties from the 1990s onward, I learned my provincial imaginings were wide of the mark. Instead of, say, the glorious range of cocktails featured in Nigella Christmas (Black Forest Martini, anyone?), there was a strict half glass of flat prosecco each, a roster of dreary secret Santa gifts and a depressing trend of wearing antlers from Claire’s Accessories. Even before the financial crisis hit, the money ‘put behind the bar’ at Mezzo on Wardour Street or a backroom in Soho House would run out in 23 minutes. As the years rolled by, the parties moved back into the office itself, where colleagues huddled around plastic cups pilfered from the water cooler, trying to enjoy M&S mulled wine which had not been mulled, the photocopier churning in the background.

Today, I am strict, whenever personal or professional invitations arrive. Yes, it’s going to be antisocial to miss an event. But it’s not antisocial to set a time limit of, say, 15 minutes. Explain that you have a friend’s 40th or it’s your parents’ wedding anniversary and you can’t stay. It’s really important to stick to your time limit rather than leave yourself the option of staying. True JOSI-ers turn up early, help the host to prep, welcome early guests and sip a properly cold drink (before everything gets warmed and wilted), and are home in front of the television by 8pm, having had a night out, as well as a night in. Goals.

It’s fascinating how difficult people find it to say no to parties, not just at Christmas but all year round. Yes, it can feel like an insult to the host if you don’t embrace their spirit of celebration or mark their big moments in life. But, equally, it’s okay to make your own choices, and even to change your mind. Maybe last year was a big party year for you and this year you’ve decided to spend more quiet time alone. That doesn’t mean it will be the same next year. It’s your business and you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.

Life is too short to go to s*** parties, so get creative with excuses. Perhaps you need to pack for a non-existent weekend away. Don’t over-explain and be firm about your choice. One of the key messages in my book (which is about power, presence and ‘showing up’) is that there’s no point doing anything unless you’re fully into it. People can smell reluctance and inauthenticity a mile off. Never say ‘hell yeah’ when your heart says ‘hell no’ or even ‘hell, maybe’.

On Graham Norton’s show recently, Julian Clary explained why he has loved performing in Christmas panto for the past 15 years. If he wasn’t being paid to get through the front door, he would just stay at home and drink brandy for six weeks. This is a wonderful lesson. If someone is going to make you leave your house between now and the end of January, they really need to make it worth it. Meanwhile, there’s a Black Forest Martini waiting for you in front of the telly.

‘How to Own the Room: Women and the Art of Brilliant Speaking’ by Viv Groskop (Bantam Press, £12.99) is out now.

Illustrations by Michelle Thompson.