So you think you're a Londoner?

Your Tube station is closed due to overcrowding and commuters are forming a chaotic queue in the ticket hall. Do you...

A Think this is the perfect time to start a Mexican wave

B Take a photo of the chaos and tweet it to TFL, #fml

C Join the back of the queue. It’s no worse than Waitrose on a bank holiday

You need to get from Clapham to Shoreditch, and fast. Do you...

A Jump on the No 35 bus. It may take two hours but it’s cheaper than a Duck Tour

B Call a cab via Hailo, natch

C Leave Clapham? Are you mad?

You’re doing a bootcamp on Primrose Hill when Harry Styles runs past. You...

A Think: ‘Poor little thing, must have lost his mummy’

B Hide. Things would only get awkward after what happened last time

C Run after him demanding he signs your Jack Wills rugby shirt

You’re riding a bike on a Saturday afternoon when you get a puncture. Do you...

A Thank your lucky stars that you can swap it at the Boris-bike station on the corner

B Wheel it to Look Mum No Hands! for a flat white while sexy Mike changes your tyre

C Lug your Brompton on to the pavement, call your partner to pick you up in the 4x4, then plonk the bike in the garden shed to gather dust for another year

Every self-respecting Londoner should support a football team — but how to choose?

A You’re hedging your bets: Arsenal one week, Tottenham the next. What’s wrong with that?

B QPR may have been relegated but Michael Nyman, Mick Jones and Robert Elms are still fans. Anyway, it’s all about the Championship these days

C You’ve got a corporate box at Chelsea, does that count?

An ironic pop-up fondue restaurant has opened in an underground car park in your area. You...

A Wonder if it’ll be anything like the Rainforest Café. You love a restaurant with a theme

B Blag a table on the back of your food blog Scofftilyoudrop.com and Instagram every course

C Pass. You have a 2-for-1 Carluccio’s voucher, thanks

Beyoncé, Madonna and Rihanna have teamed up on the latest H&M designer collaboration. Do you...

A Take a sleeping bag and camp out overnight — some of the new pals you made sleeping outside the Apple Store for the iPhone 5 launch might be there

B Send your intern over to the shop at lunchtime with a list of the items you think will fetch most on eBay

C Say: ‘Come back to me when they’re working with Pippa Middleton’

You’re stood up in Soho at 10pm on a Friday. Do you...

A Take a flyer for a free stand-up comedy night from a man in a banana suit and hail a rickshaw. It’s only at the other end of Old Compton Street, but there’s a mirror ball in the carriage!

B Think: ‘Brilliant; there’ll be no queue at Spuntino and I could murder some of

their meatballs’

C Head to the nearest Tesco Metro for a bottle of screw-top rosé and some Doritos to have when you get home. Home!

You’re in the mood for culture, but can’t get tickets for Bowie at the V&A. What now?

A That’s OK — maybe there’s a Bowie at Madame Tussauds

B You’re more at home in the Geffrye anyway

C They serve lovely pies at Tate Britain... and you can walk there

It’s the weekend. The sun is out. Picnic time! But what’s the plan?

A With any luck you’ll find some space on a lion in Trafalgar Square

B Drop by the Ginger Pig on Lauriston Road to pick up some sausage rolls and then head off to Victoria Park

C Potato salad? Check. Pimm’s? Check. Softball? Check. Zirtek? Check. And it’s only just gone 8am

If you answered mainly As

You’ve still got some settling in to do, even though you’ve finally swapped your pay-as-you-go for a monthly Oyster card. A perpetual newbie captivated by London’s naffest offerings and biggest tickets, you crave the bright lights of the West End and the comforting burgers at Byron. Wide-eyed and wowed by big-city life, you make a great date as you’re impressed by everything, and are just thrilled to be part of a buzzing metropolis (even if most of it baffles you).

If you answered mainly Bs

You are hip London personified. You’re all bike cafés, blogs and Hackney Hop Growers’ beer. You roast veggie sausages on a disposable BBQ on London Fields, hang out in Stokey, and are always within six feet of Nick Grimshaw. You over-compensate for being born in Kent by doing every cool thing London has to offer, then pretending you’re too jaded to enjoy it. You’ve got a lot to learn from our Type-A friends, as your default unimpressed face is scaring tourists.