Simon Bird's My London

What's your earliest London memory?
I was a pretty cool ten-year-old so I used to come up from Guildford every Saturday to go to the Trinity College of Music in Greenwich. I remember going to the newsagent by the Tube station and buying the football magazine Shoot.

Which shops do you rely on?
The London Review Bookshop near the British Museum; it stocks brilliant books and there's a lovely little café. I go to Fopp in Covent Garden for music and DVDs, and I buy my clothes in Urban Outfitters on Oxford Street. I've been updating all my technology recently so I've been camping out in the Apple Store on Regent Street and now I have an i-everything. For live comedy I go to The Invisible Dot in Camden Stables; anything they put on has my stamp of approval.

What was the last play you saw?
Chicken Soup with Barley at the Royal Court. I went to see my friend Tom Rosenthal in it. I thought it was very good.

What's your biggest extravagance?
My new sofa - it's big, red and velvet and it couldn't be more extravagant.

How would you like the opening line of your obituary to read?
'Despite coming to the game relatively late, Sir Simon Bird will be remembered as one of the greatest attacking midfielders this country has ever produced.'

What advice would you give a tourist?
Go off the beaten track and visit Highgate Cemetery and the Sir John Soane's Museum (right) in Lincoln's Inn Fields. They give a proper idea of what London's about.

If you could live in any building in London which would it be?
The Royal Festival Hall because Joe Thomas [from The Inbetweeners] and I used to meet there every day to write our comedy shows for the Edinburgh Festival. It's got everything you could need: a bar, a café and toilets.

What do you most like wearing?
My dressing gown and pyjamas. I keep them on until the very last second.

What animal would you most like to be?
A hippo: it basically comes down to laziness.

What would you do if you were Mayor for the day?
I'd bite the bullet and extend the congestion charge. I know it wouldn't make me popular but I didn't become Mayor to make friends.

What was the last album you downloaded?
Whokill by tUnE-yArDs; it's totally mad but brilliant.

What's the best meal you've had in London?
I have to break it down into categories: for breakfast it's French toast at Banner's in Crouch End; lunch is a sausage and ketchup bagel on Brick Lane; and for dinner I like everything on the menu at Polpetto in Soho.