Should I ask about my lover's previous sex life?

They are candid, provocative - and totally at odds with each other. Our resident 'sexperts' Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther Walker offer conflicting advice on Londoners' sexual dilemmas...

Question:- Should I ask about my lover's previous sex life? Or am I just asking for trouble?

Nirpal says:

How on earth can you have a relationship with someone for any period of time without discussing each other's past lovers? We all work through our past couplings with the one we're presently with in order to make better sense of ourselves and the one we're with.

If you're not willing to be honest about your past sex lives it's unlikely that you'll be prepared to disclose much else. It makes sense to ask how many lovers your other half has had and what those relationships were like — and why they came to an end — to know what you're letting yourself in for. If they've only had a succession of one-night stands then you know not to have your hopes too high and be overly disappointed if they bail out early on. Similarly, if they've been a monogamaniac you can prepare yourself for their habitual clinginess.

Hearing the sexual failings of their past lovers will only galvanise your status as the one who's now in pole-position, and give you an insight into how to please them better. On the other hand, if they're wistful for the steamy sessions of the past, you know you're dealing with someone on the rebound. And if they talk about their previous partners in a way that's designed to make you feel inadequate, then you know you've picked a nasty one and ought to tell them to get lost.

A lot of people feel insecure on hearing that their partner has had more past lovers than them — men especially. But who wants to have sex with an ingénue? Romantic as it sounds to make love to a comparative newbie, the truth is that they're generally boring in bed. Sex is always better with someone who is experienced and has a few well-rehearsed tricks to bring to the table — customised for your particular benefit, of course.

Given that open conversation is the basis for any long and healthy relationship, you should never feel coy about asking your partner about their past or about letting them know about yours.

Esther says:

It is quite usual, at some stage in a relationship, to talk about past lovers: number, type, annoying habits and weird things they liked for breakfast.

It is less usual to talk about the sort of sex that went on. Knowing comical details about a partner's former lover's habits is fine. It can only inspire confidence to know that you may have your faults but at least you are never as disgusting as to eat a curry in bed or bite your own toenails.

But knowing specific details about the sex act itself is a bit too much for most people. For men, the fear is that another man was a better, more confident and exciting person in bed than they are; women fret about the accomplishment, willingness and bendiness of other girls.

That's not to say it's best to pretend that your partner has never had sex with anyone else, ever. Someone's past, sexual or otherwise, informs and explains why they are the way that they are. If you are interested in someone, how can you not be interested in their past lovers?