Shape shifting at Lime Wood's Welly Boot Camp

The beginning of summer heralds many joys. And just one woe: The Great Unveiling. Need I even write that one word that strikes terror into the hearts of women? I’ll just whisper it then: bikini.

Diets are evil. Diets make you fat. So I don’t dive into Dukan or juice fasts or LighterLife because those are all fine and miraculous a week before your wedding or your Oscar party but, in the end, they’re self-defeating. So last month I foraged for a kick-start that would put me on the righteous road. The objective was to swerve airports and be spoilt, not shouted at.

Lime Wood is the splashy, David Collins-designed New Forest hotel with many restaurants, an exemplary cellar and minibars stuffed with witty British treats such as giant Chocolate Buttons, Sherbet Fountains and Luscombe ginger beer. At least that is what I am told, because I asked them to empty mine before I checked into my vast and glossy sage-green suite with its domed ceiling, open fires, beautiful linen and free-standing bath by a wall of windows looking over the forest.

I was there to do the four-day Welly Boot Camp. The camp’s HQ is the hotel’s 18-month-old airy and slick Herb House spa. John, the sergeant major, met me in the spa shop, a chic nook loaded with Heidi Klein bikinis, Bamford cashmere and organic skincare. I trotted off behind him – already entirely surrendered – to be weighed and measured and briefed. Happily there is no zen involved, just a mission to get the blood pumping and the metabolism turning over in order to turn sleepy muscles into fat-burning, bikini-embracing maniacs.

At 6am the next morning we got down to business. A revolting herb infusion (I changed to hot water and lemon the next day) duly dispatched, we jogged out into the forest. I can be a cynical soul but with the sun shafting through the trees, anemones shyly blooming, a docile pony nibbling the woodland floor, streams glistening, the freshest fresh air, I felt happy. Let me contextualise this: I was running, often uphill, at dawn, doing star jumps and those sideways crab things that are supposed to discipline one’s arse – yet still, happy. Which made me think: while that world-famous American health retreat Canyon Ranch has Arizona as its gym, and those hospital-like Swiss spas have the mountains as theirs, the Lime Wood setting is just as exciting. And we got to see much more of it as we swung kettle bells up and down sand dunes, flipped tyres around clearings, jumped across streams, sprinted up hills to do press-ups at the top, bicycled along shady paths and lugged logs through the forest. It was all rather Rocky IV.

In between the bucolic bouncing came yoga, cardio circuits, Zumba, aquaerobics and unexpectedly good food. Raw and Cured is the spa café where virtuous deliciousness comes in cunning raw combinations, many foraged locally: home-toasted granola, summer slaws, raw ratatouille, home-cured salmon and ham, zingy smoothies and proper coffee. Limping in for sustenance, weaving our way between berobed spa visitors, my fellow bootcampers and I were treated with real compassion. You can, if you wish, dress for dinner, but I had mine delivered to my room – fire flickering, film playing on the huge telly – in a picnic basket. Scallop ceviche followed by grilled chicken breast with local mushrooms, or asparagus followed by venison. Carb-light at night, the menus are preconstructed by the sergeant major so there’s no need for willpower.

The trainers were enthusiastic without that oppressive cheeriness that’s so hard to take when your blisters have joined up and every step makes you wince. Each day ended with an excellent massage, after which I flung myself into the hydrotherapy pool for sunset gossips with my fellow victims – glamorous housewives and over-stretched career women – as the water buffeted away some of the pain.

This bootcamp is in its embryonic stages, still being tweaked and for-mulated, but by September, when the next batch of inmates will be welcomed, it could be world-class. World-class trainers are being consulted, there’s a world-class spa and the knock-out forest, while the hotel couldn’t be slicker. I lost 7cm from my hips, and felt everything tighten up over the following fortnight. Tomorrow I trudge to the airport for my first holiday since last August. And you know what that means? Bikini. Oh never mind, I think I’ll be all right. ES

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Welly Boot Camps run from Sunday to Thursday from September. £1,250pp double occupancy; £1,740 single occupancy. Places are limited so book well in advance (limewoodhotel.co.uk)