Oscars? Ben Machell reckons it isn’t such a hard act

Many of them have been properly famous, A-list stars whose mantelpieces are cluttered with Oscars, Baftas, Emmys and, most likely, random overflowing sacks of cash.

It’s hard to generalise about them — they are, after all, just people like you and me, albeit with better bone structure and slightly quaint ideas about what constitutes a hard day’s work — although one thing they all have in common is that, given half a chance, they will always talk about how much they love doing theatre work. At this point I usually nod knowingly and say something like, ‘Well of course, yes, theatre’, but really, what I’ve always wanted to do is to tell them that, actually, I’ve done a bit of acting myself. ‘Really?’ they would ask, suddenly impressed. Yeah, really, I would tell them, before presenting the following rundown.

So first up, I was the innkeeper in a primary school nativity play. It’s a notoriously difficult role, not least because you’ve got to be prepared to have the audience dislike you — something that many actors are terrified of — in this case on account of gypping the Virgin Mary. Anyway, my motivation was that there was just no room at the inn. During rehearsals, I kept returning to that.

Then I was Uncle Henry in The Wizard of Oz, which required the kind of dramatic transformation many actors win awards for. I had pretend stubble and grey hair, barely recognisable, like Charlize Theron in Monster or Christian Bale in everything. Finally, I was a fisherman in a Methodist church production of some Bible thing, a performance that earned me my drama badge in Scouts, which is very much the Olivier Award of Scout badges.

I never tell actors any of this. Because I don’t want them to think that I think that acting is easy. But then… I did find all of the above pretty straightforward to be honest. I said my lines and everyone clapped at the end. So what am I supposed to conclude? When I interview footballers, I know they are better at football than me. When I interview chefs, I know they are better at cooking than me. But actors? I wonder. I know this sounds arrogant. Possibly deluded. But I can’t help it if I’ve got a gift, can I?