My London - Dinos Chapman

What was the last gig you saw in London?
I saw Coldplay and Jay-Z, but was not allowed to see Girls Aloud who supported them at Wembley recently. I was so drunk I was having problems focusing and standing up. It was most enjoyable.

What advice would you give a tourist?
Explore the West End. No, I insist you do. There is nothing more to see here in ye olde East End, you've worn it away with your relentless staring. Why you think Jack the Ripper still haunts the multistorey car park defeats me – last I heard he was mooching around Harrods.

Which London outlets do you rely on?
McDonald's (well, it would be churlish not to put it in) has fed me in more ways than could possibly be imagined. There is a scuba shop under Hungerford Bridge, which has the most interesting alien artefacts. Timberland Boot Company in Spitalfields, purveyors of the most strange homemade-looking boots; I think I may be the only person who ever shops there.

What's your earliest London memory?
Gazing lovingly up at my mother after I had
been born, then crying disconsolately when she named me Dinos.

What would be on your tombstone?
Eight out of ten; try harder next time. And just a splattering of pigeon shit and maybe a few wilted roses (one would hope).

What would you do as Mayor for the day?
I would put on a stupid cheapo blond wig, an
ill-fitting suit, and implement a stupid rent-a-shit-bike-that-I-wouldn't-be-seen-dead-riding scheme, (but not in my street). Then I would ride around wearing an even more stupid aren't I a clever carbon-neutral boy' grin.

What are you most afraid of?
Flying: my clenched arse-cheeks are the only thing holding the jumbo in the air.

What are your guilty pleasures?
Rotten.com, a collection of truly unpleasant images and information (such a pleasure).