Millicent Binks: a new dimension to sex

My boyfriend Neanderthal and I haven't been on a date for a while - he's been building a new photography studio and I've been preparing for various burlesque performances.

Tonight we've decided to go to the cinema and see 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy. It was my choice of film because it seems to encompass two of my favourite things: sex and costume dramas. So obviously I'm expecting something as good as Dorian Gray.

We enter the theatre holding hands, hoping to claim the back row (just in case), but find it's already occupied by three couples and the only empty row is the front one. So we'll just have to sit and be rude at the front instead.

I excitedly pop on my chunky 3D glasses as the film begins. It starts promisingly with rich colours and there's a beautiful Chinese maiden being won over by a suitor who paints her portrait. I get comfy in my seat as they start to make love in their opium den. But then all of a sudden it's over. The film moves on to their next encounter, where the same thing happens, and I realise the film is going to be quite comical and not nearly as romantic as I'd hoped.

The next scenes are set in an oriental playboy's mansion where battles rage over raven-haired naked ladies. It's like an Austin Powers take on the House of the Flying Daggers, except there are more flying severed male bits coming at me in 3D than anything else.

I perk up a bit when a stunning woman comes out of a painting, but there's no real sexual tension or emotional drama between the characters, so I give a little sigh of boredom and look down at Neanderthal's lap. I have to take off my 3D glasses to check if what I'm seeing is an illusion. It's not.

The loud squeals of the ravished harem on the screen are a great soundtrack and cover up my own as we make use of the generous legroom in the front row. At last we look back up at the screen and realise the film has finished and the credits are rolling, so we stand up and see that everyone's gone apart from a Chinese man on our left. I straighten my dress and we leave without caring that we missed half of a comedy about a man with a transplanted donkey member that wasn't salacious at all.

Thankfully, this is only half of our date. The second half is at Morton's members' club to see an acoustic set by Viktoria Modesta, one of London's best-known fetish models. Just like one of the sirens in the movie she has shiny jet-black hair arranged in a coiffure on the top of her head. Except she's real - and far sexier.